I am required to write a 500 word essay on why I want to attend a service academy. Please let me know your thoughts. This is really important to me and I want to get as much feedback as possible. Thank you!
Why I Want to Attend a Service Academy
It wasn't until recently that I saw the military academies as a viable college option. I happened to stumble upon the Air Force Academy when researching colleges with my intended major, aeronautical science. As I did more research into the Academy, I realized it was everything I wanted in a college experience. I wasn't looking for a traditional college experience with parties and temptations that would distract my studies. I was looking for structure and a school that would challenge my limits mentally and physically. I wanted a school that would help me to be the best version of myself and one that would equip me with the skills to overcome the obstacles in my future.
For as long as I can remember, I have served my community by volunteering at events such as placing Christmas wreaths on veterans graves, serving Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless, and teaching vacation bible school at church. Participating at these events has had a big influence on my decision to serve my country. They've opened my eyes to how fortunate I am for the countless opportunities my country has given me. Men and women have given the ultimate sacrifice so that I can wake up every day, receive a quality education, and work towards becoming anything I want. As a United States citizen, it is my duty to honor those American heroes by standing for the national anthem and placing flags on their graves on Memorial Day. About a year ago, I realized that I wasn't doing enough and that my heroes and country deserved more. This is when I decided that I was going to serve as an officer in the Air Force, whether it be through the Air Force Academy or AFROTC.
When I think of an officer in the United States military, I think of someone who has strong morals and excellent leadership. I have been raised to follow these traits in all aspects of my life. I have been in leadership roles since I was in seventh grade, whether it was being treasurer of student council in middle school, captain of my soccer team, holding leadership positions in my Boy Scout troop, or coordinating events for the Livermore Municipal Airport. Through my extensive leadership experiences, I have learned how to adapt to the situation and the people I am leading. This has become an invaluable trait that I am using while I complete my Eagle Scout project and will allow me to excel in leadership roles at the Air Force Academy. Growing up, my parents held me to very high standards of behavior, discipline, and moral ethics. I continue to improve upon and use these three standards to guide me through my senior year and college applications, and I intend to use them to make me a strong and compassionate officer in the United States Air Force.
With your help, I hope to combine the skills I have acquired through my youth with my passion for aviation and use them to become a strong and moral officer at the United States Air Force Academy.@Bpriley1414
Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes beneficial for you! Please don't hesitate to approach us for a more detailed look into your writing.
Firstly, I think that the initial parts of your essay are just okay. What I do recommend is improving the overall appeal of the essay by using more impactful words. If you can, for example, rephrase the first paragraph to have a more distinguishable look to it. When you're opening up your essay, the first sentence should immediately draw the readers in. Try opting for a more persuading introduction other than saying merely that this was only an option until recently. The more serious your appeal is, the better.
Furthermore, be cautious of run-on sentences that do not have proper punctuation and structure. Always be mindful of what you're typing - and you'll go a long way.
