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'my passion for engineering persisted' -UMD Application Essay


mreh2 1 / 2  
Oct 29, 2011   #1
I have been working on my Maryland essay with little to no sleep because of school and I would greatly appreciate a critique. Thanks in advance.

According to Henry David Thoreau, 'One is not born into the world to do everything, but to do something.' What is your something?

Although I was unaware of it when I was younger, I have come to realize now that engineering is what I was born to do. Since a young age I have been formulating, experimenting, and making ideas come to life. As chemical engineers at age six my cousin and I created all sorts of concoctions from whatever we found laying around the house. Though none of our fabrications were the next Windex or petroleum, it was from then when my undiscovered appreciation for engineering secretly flourished. My appreciation for engineering also shined in other forms such as building shelves and assembling equipment, but I was yet to see it.

I first stumbled upon this secret inclination towards engineering I had when I enrolled in an introductory engineering class. Unlike some classes I have taken, which I perceived as uninteresting and burdensome, I found myself wanting to go to this class and captivated by its contents. Consequently after enrolling in that class I aspired to become an engineer but I was unsure of which engineering discipline to study until I linked my interest in engineering with my interest in cars. I was always fascinated by cars and by how a car's many components could work together, so it was only a matter of time before I decided to major in mechanical engineering.

My passion for engineering persisted to thrive after I purchased my first car. I constantly found myself near my car taking apart different components to see how they work, noting their flaws, and determining how their designs can be improved. I am, to say the least, fascinated by the engineering and mechanical aspects involved in producing a car.

Engineering is my something because it propels me to improve on design and yields a myriad of possibilities.
sonya15 4 / 29  
Oct 30, 2011   #2
Your essay is written so well. You have a great writing style, and everything fits together.

One suggestion I have is to say at the beginning when you are talking about you and your cousin: "As future chemical engineers"

Other than that, I see very little that needs to change. This essay really stands out to me.

Will you take a look at mine please?

Thanks so much and good luck :)
denofthieves 2 / 6  
Oct 30, 2011   #3
Although I was unaware of it when I was younger, I have come to realize now that engineering is what I was born to do. Since a young age, I have been formulating, experimenting, and making ideas come to life. As chemical engineers at age six (As six year old engineers,) my cousin and I created all sorts of concoctions from whatever we found laying around the house. Though none of our fabrications were the next Windex or petroleum, it was from then (rephrase that) when my undiscovered appreciation for engineering secretly flourished. My appreciation for engineering also shined in other forms such as building shelves and assembling equipment, but I was yet to see it.

I first stumbled upon this secret inclination towards engineering I had when I enrolled in an introductory engineering class. Unlike some classes I have taken, which I perceived as uninteresting and burdensome, I found myself wanting to go to this class and captivated by its contents. Consequently (Use a different word - I don't think consequently is what you're going for) after enrolling in that class I aspired to become an engineer but I was unsure of which engineering discipline to study until I linked my interest in engineering with my interest in cars. I was always fascinated by cars and by how a car's many components could work together, so it was only a matter of time before I decided to major in mechanical engineering.

My passion for engineering persisted (continued) to thrive after I purchased my first car. I constantly found myself near my car taking apart different components to see how they work, noting their flaws, and determining how their designs can be improved. I am, to say the least, fascinated by the engineering and mechanical aspects involved in producing a car.

Engineering is my something because it propels me to improve on design and yields a myriad of possibilities.

Just a couple grammar/syntax suggestions.
OP mreh2 1 / 2  
Oct 30, 2011   #4
thank you for your help sonya15 and I will try reading your essay as soon as I can.
OP mreh2 1 / 2  
Oct 31, 2011   #5
thanks denofthieves


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