Hey, I'm applying to university soon and I would like some critique on the content of the essay that I have written. I really appreciate any time that has been put to do so, thanks!
Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed above. In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.
I made an impact in the gaming community
As a child, gaming was essential to my existence. It was integrated into my life through education as well as entertainment. Gaming fabricated another reality that accompanied me through stressful and joyous times. When I entered high school, I desired to share my experience with others. With this in mind, I searched for individuals with analogous mindsets to establish our school's first Esports club. However, we were continuously looked down on for supporting what was perceived as detrimental to an individual's lifestyle, yet, I never perceived it that way. In fact, it was the opposite for me: gaming helped me achieve a better lifestyle because I used it as leeway to relieve my stress and build social connections with individuals throughout the school. Subsequently, I continued to persevere through the animosity and began hosting free entry community events to spread the message. For instance, for our first event, we hosted an online tournament that required a high degree of teamwork and leadership. I divided our tasks into three categories: marketing, sponsors, and cost. Correspondingly, we simultaneously secured a sponsorship with the game developers while advertising our tournament and determining the cost. As a result, we attracted over 100 participants and gained the respect from our school as we were invited to host a charity tournament. Moreover, I transitioned the club to a nonprofit organization, am now in charge of nationwide high school tournaments, and have garnered over 1200 members with devoted sponsors. Overall, I made an impact in the gaming community by introducing large free entry tournaments that provided opportunities for individuals to pursue their passion for gaming and develop everlasting friendships. Additionally, I developed leadership and teamwork skills that were ignited by my ambition and passion, and learned that pursuing one's passion is essential to developing one's character.Hi there,
I like how you included empirical evidence of your efforts. I was impressed by your managing skills, devotion, and passion for gaming. I think you've selected the right topic.
One part that I noticed:
"Subsequently, I continued to (...) of teamwork and leadership."
this part I feel like doesn't logically flow.
I persevered through the animosity. For example, we hosted a tournament that required teamwork and leadership.
Doesn't really make sense. Other than that, I think you're good to go.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 William, always make sure that your essay contains a positive tone and never deviates from the image that you wish to deliver to the reviewer. In this instance, I do not believe that indicating the negative opinion of egaming or esports as a part of this essay will be helpful. It removes the focus from the central "me" aspect of the essay and delves into the "us, we, community" presentation in a manner that is unrelated to the actual success that you encountered as a founder of the group. There is no need to discuss the difficulties because it is only the positive impact of your drive and determination to make your group a national name that matters. Try to remove the "we" references in the essay because the discussion asks about "YOU" and the impact of this experience upon you. The greatest learning outcome being that you have the ability to lead and develop an organization towards success.
