My passion for knowledge has been nurtured fiercely since infancy, magnifying every passing moment

Prompt #1

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

----PLEASE let me know what I can do to make this less about me, and more about my world and what I love. Thank you. Due date VERY soon. Help!!!

UC prompt 1 - Your world and Aspirations.

My mother always becomes angry and hurt when I choose to go with my father and his family of loud, in-your-face, stubborn, conservative Cubans for the holidays. It's not as though I love my father over my mother; but being home alone with her eventually leads to us clashing dramatically - with me serving as her emotional punching bag. Our fights usually start with my mother crying: "You never want to be with me! What did I ever do to you?"

I have always been extremely disappointed by my tumultuous relationship with my mother, especially knowing her past (and the fact that she is my mother). She is the daughter of Holocaust survivors, and was abused and neglected by parents traumatized and broken from their past. When she eventually met my father and attempted to start a family of her own, two of her children failed to live past infancy. She has had increasingly detrimental financial and medical difficulties, and hardly has any family still alive - none of whom even reside in the States. I know I would be some kind of former-shell-zombie if I went through half of the things she has; however, even though I am aware of the chain of events that led to cause our inharmonious relationship; I have unfortunately grown distant and bitter towards my mother. Once I arrive home from school, I go straight to my room, avoiding contact with her, and either open a book, or put my pen to paper to make everything else simply shut up. Escaping into a world of words - whether it was crafted by me or not - seems to be the immortal solace I constantly resort to; and once I delve into my schoolwork I forget about home altogether, and become placed into a state of being where I feel productive and capable.

Despite our antagonistic situation I am grateful to my mother because she understood how important it was that I receive a good education. She found out about an obscure charter called Renaissance Arts Academy, an institution that has completely changed the way I think. It is a school that NEVER allowed me to be complacent with my intellect, a school of advisors who constantly told me, "You are never done." Since Renarts is such a small community, there is no way for a student to slip behind or shy away. From day one, each advisor pushed me to achieve more than what was expected--and they expected quite a lot. Since learning has been one of the only things I have ever felt good doing, Renarts continues to be one of the most prominent places in my life. And because learning fills me with a sense of success and hope at being able to have the possibility of a life opposite of what I have now, I must not only pay homage to my mother for inadvertently giving me the motivation, but for introducing me to a place that matured me enough to see the chain of grief we were both links on. I now truly recognize her suffering and I am now sensible enough to strive to break this chain, and move onto a path of fulfillment and success.

So I do have to thank my mother - exceedingly. She gave up much for me, and has gone beyond the call of a mother many times. She planted the seeds of my liberal ideals and constructed the unyielding foundation upon which the rest of me is molded. She led me to a school that has raised my educational expectations for a university, and Renarts is right - I am not done. I have a yearning and passion for knowledge that has been nurtured fiercely since infancy, and has been magnified by every passing moment of my life. I cannot wait to continue my life long education.

I don't see much about your dreams/aspirations

Right. Well then.

Do I at least paint a clear picture of my family and school and how they all influenced me?

He was fourteen, and he had neither money nor fluency i n the English language.

I know this sentence must be sad for you, but it is very powerful, as sentences go: She was abused and neglected by parents traumatized and broken from their past, and ... live past infancy.

You write very well.


That is funny. Yes, I suggest adding some specific details about your aspirations and plans... right after this sentence: I desire to live the life of mind, and I refuse to be complacent with my intellect.

Okay, so I kind of COMPLETELY rewrote it. Its gotten much longer, so if you could help me condense it without losing my personality, I'd be very much appreciative. Prompt is still the same.

Also, once again trying to make this one less about ME, and more about my world and what I love.

DUE DATE VERY SOON.

Tell me what you think

I liked that short first sentence from the previous version...

It's not as though I personally love my father and his family over my mother; being home alone with her would eventually end up with us clashing dramatically with me serving as her emotional punching bag.

This seems like it could be biased... so far, at the end of the first para, I am worried you might present yourself in a negative light.

I keep reading, and it gets more judgmental, angrier... you note that your mother had a difficult upbringing, and that is not enough for you to forgive her... and her upbringing was rough due to the Holocaust's effects on your grandparents...so... if you want to present yourself in a positive light, show that you are able to perceive the chain of events that led to the ways your mother has hurt you, and show that you understand so deeply that you are able to forgive.

At the end of the essay, instead of paying homage to her for "inadvertently" sending you to a good school, pay homage to her for the suffering she has done as the one who preceded you on this chain of hurt. If you can touch on forgiveness in the essay -- and discuss breaking the chain -- it will be more impressive than this bitter rant. You might have to do the forgiving first, and then the writing!

:-)

Wow, okay!

Thanks so much.

:)

But adding all that will kinda make it longer.

Arg, any ideas on what to strip away?

Yes, strip away all the parts that are angry.

I hope I do not say this the wrong way...it is not the child's responsibility to forgive the parent; the parents are responsible for doing what is right. However, my job is to help you present yourself in a positive light, and the most impressive thing someone can do with a situation like this is forgive.

Forgiveness is made possible by understanding, and understanding is made possible by the deep, reflective kind of thinking that makes an education successful. Education involves more than just academic studies -- you have toughed it out through a rigorous educational program. Now focus on forgiveness, and use this essay to show that you have conquered the bitterness and anger that were not your fault but that were your burden that you had to cope with.

Make it so this essay shows someone who has emerged triumphant from a difficult past.

Okay, I edited it, took out some of the angry stuff, and still tried to be as honest as possible.

Please tell me what you think.

By the way, thank you for being so patient. I appreciate this very much.

Natasha.

Whenever someone tells you about a conflict, and they tell you the other person used them as a punching bag, you have to think to yourself, "Well, this is only one side of the story."

The admissions person who reads this is probable the mom of a teenager, and she probably will identify more with the mother in the situation, because right now she has no reason to think you have more credibility than your mother.

I think the thing to do is change the first paragraph to talk about demons that have come between you and her -- rather than putting the blame on her. If you set about healing your relationship with her, it is good to use that strategy again... I talk about "relationship demons" with my loved ones. Instead of implying blame, reference the demon that you both must fight together.

At the end, spend a few moments talking about something scholarly! This needs more material added to the part about "the person you have become." That is the part where you show them that you are determined to succeed in college.

All the stuff about conflict would be great if you said you were going to enter the field of social work or some kind of counseling, and perhaps major in that in college. BUT if that is not the case, condense the stuff about the drama and conflict and just use it to illustrate an insightful point... but keep your focus on the "person you have become." :-)