Please proofread and critique. Be brutally honest because I want this to be perfect. Feel free to add or change anything.
What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the university community?
Here is my essay:
As a young child, I was known to be an annoyance because I always asked many questions. Every time someone would explain something to me, I would respond by asking, "Why?" As I got older, I did not look for others to find the answers to my questions; I began to search for the answers myself in hopes to be able to one day pass my own knowledge to others.
This way of life progressed when I was at the age of puberty. When I hit my puberty stage, it opened my eyes to the female body and how it works. Everything from the female reproductive organs, cancers of the breasts, conceiving offspring, delivering babies, to even STDs became rather fascinating to me. Because of this, I chose to be a gynecologist/obstetrician for my career. In that career one is constantly researching, learning, and passing on knowledge to other women in hopes to treat them and better their lives. While being patient, understanding, polite, and most importantly, a great listener. All the qualities which I possess.
Also with this career must come the passion for mathematics and the sciences. With any medical field, gynecology/obstetrics requires one to take many classes of both subjects. Those subjects, for me, are very challenging. But that is the best part because there is never a dull moment with them. In fact, in high school I faithfully took both mathematics and science classes each year. Not because I was forced to, but because they are every bit as exciting to me. I will most definitely continue to pursue that path at the University of Illinois- Urbana.
Also it has to be 250 words for them. N im going to need help shortening it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!! Please and thank you!!! I really appreciate it.
Excellent job of explaining your academic interests and connecting them to your professional goals. Your introduction and conclusion work well with your content, and the piece flows easily overall. Nice work.
Hello, I wrote the essay below for U of I and now I am applying to Florida A & M University as well. And I was wondering if you can help me to change this essay around a little to answer their prompt. I feel that this essay does answer the question in a way but just needs a little changes in the wording. PLEASE HELP!! Im having writers block.
How about:
...did not look for others to find the answers to this common question;
Wow, great stuff! Now, WHAT WILL ENABLE YOU TO CONTRIBUTE? You should name it, specifically. It is a combination of inquisitiveness and the drive to find answers. Or something like that. You can add 2 or 3 sentences to transform this description of your aspiration into an exposition of your ability to contribute.
Can you add a para about some quality that makes this school special, and tell how your inquisitiveness will enable you to contribute to that aspect? Oh... I see that you say you are over the limit.
It sees that this essay about your aspirations belongs somewhere else in the application! Can you use this space to mention a good quality of the school, or a good program or organization, and how you can contribute to it? Save this great content for the essay about your academic and professional ambition.
The first paragraph, in which you talk about always asking "why," would seem to indicate that you could turn this into an essay about your quality of curiosity.
Alternatively, you could revise the essay to focus more on being "patient, understanding, polite, and most importantly, a great listener."
Probably, whatever approach you ultimately take, you will find it easier to simply write a new essay from scratch. It takes far more time to rewrite an existing essay to fit a new topic than it does to write a new one specifically designed to meet that topic, especially when the essay only has to be 250 words.
