Hey guys,
Pls help me comment on my essay...I still think that the way I ended it is not very good but I'm not sure how to end it as well. Hmm, also pls pls help me to check for any mistakes along the way. Thanks a lot :)
Cambodia, Singapore and I
I think I began to grow up that Friday afternoon. It has already been four years but the image still plays vividly in my mind. My hands were trembling as I swiftly tore open the sealed envelope. I unfolded the letter, and quickly skimmed through for the word. I found it. There, sandwiched between many other words, is the word I eagerly waited for: Congratulations. I was blessed with the chance to continue my high-school education in Singapore on a scholarship.
Before that, I was a typical student in Cambodia whose life was very much predictable. Almost every thing had been clearly planned out for me; I was supposed to study medicine after high school and became another doctor. Having a son as a doctor is what almost every Cambodian parent hopes for.
'It is well-paid and respectable. Period.' explained my mother.
This scholarship was more than just a ticket to an independent life. It was a door! And as I opened this door, I was introduced into a world of possibilities, beyond the iodoform smell in the hospital, the stethoscope and the queue of patients waiting for their turns. For the first time, I had the chance to explore my passion: politics.
Indeed, the journey towards finding my passion was not as easy as I thought. Leaving my comfort zone and trying to assimilate in a new environment was immensely challenging. But at the same time, it taught me to better appreciate my past. I like to consider myself as a part of seemingly two different worlds. The metropolitan city of Singapore is nothing short of a fantasy to, say, a Cambodian villager, who spent half his life on the farmland. What is considered as a privilege in Cambodia is often a given in Singapore. I was amazed by the luxurious lifestyle enjoyed by my Singaporean friends. For instance, graduating classes are entitled to air-conditioned classrooms that are always brightly illuminated with LED. Things were very different back in Cambodia. I still can recall what it felt like to be packed in a small, stuffy classroom with no fan along with forty other students. It was almost literally "survival of the fittest"! On a good day, an origami fan would help me survive through the day. On a bad day (if it rained), however, lessons were disrupted as students rushed in and out of the classroom to stop the rainwater leaking through the roof. That was my old world. So when I step into this new world, I realized what I have always wanted to accomplish in my life: to make a difference. This thought inspires me to pursue a tertiary education in political science. Indeed, builiding a different world would require a change in policies, which is why I have decided to devote my life to politics. Of course, I do not intend to say that a doctor brings no difference to one's life. Without doubt, a doctor often creates miracles in the life of his patients. Both paths are able to bring about changes, albeit in different manners. Politics, however, better appeals to me.
In my sophomore year, I had my first experience with politics as a participant in the Raffles Model United Nations Conference. In the General Assembly, I represented Somalia in determining the most effective way to distribute humanitarian aids amidst crises. It was a tricky job since Somalia had virtually no government infrastructure. Nevertheless, with all my passion and determination, I fought (of course, not physically) for what I believed was best for my Somalia. Indeed, such simulations are nothing compared to the complexity of modern International relations. It lacked the real people, the real property, and the real problems. Yet, I was truly glad that at least my passion was present.
Charles De Gaulle once said, 'politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.' However, in countries such as Cambodia, before the people are truly empowered to influence political decisions, a change in the political system is necessary. I believe that to make this change, a young politician with a fresh mindset and viewpoints is much needed. It would not be easy, but an American education in political science is essential to help groom me into this person.
I'm not much of an editor, but I can definitely give you advice on your content. I thought it was very good and very well written. The only critique that I have is I think the first paragraph can definitely go or at least be shortened dramatically. I know you were trying to hook the reader in with imagery, but you want to waste as little space as possible. You can definitely shorten that paragraph to two lines in order to focus on the main point of your essay.
I'll change the verb tense here:
Before that, I was had been a typical...
student in Cambodia whose life was very much predictable. Almost everything had been clearly
It was a door! And as I opened this door, I was introduced into a world of possibilities, beyond the iodoform smell in the hospital, the stethoscope and the queue of patients waiting for their turns. ---wow, very impressive writing here...
... as a part of two seemingly different worlds.
Capitalize:
Charles De Gaulle once said, 'Politics are...
:-)
