1. In this second essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application-or on something that you would like to say more about.
When I was 9 years old, my father asked me if I would like to spend my summer in Italy. At the time, I thought it was joke (and so did my mother). But it wasn't. Five months later I was boarding a plane for a 12 hour trip that would take me to a country whose language I didn't speak to spend a month with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was this experience that definitely made me fall in love with travelling.
After this initial experience, I was never able to stay put. I ended up going to Italy three more times, completely alone. At fourteen, I decided to do an exchange year in Germany. I didn't speak any German. Yet it turned out to be the best choice I had ever made.
I love travelling. I love the feeling of going somewhere new and, as strange as it seems, I love getting lost. I have gotten lost in places I can't even point out on a map. I have cried rivers in a train station after getting down at the wrong station and therefore missing my next two trains. Yet I loved these experiences. Because even though I felt lost and hopeless, I knew that I was learning something. Getting lost to me means that I am trying something new, discovering something that was not available to me before. Getting lost, to me, is wonderful. It is a proof of my independence (and my ability to make things right afterward).
Living in Germany for a year provided me opportunities to lose my way (literally) but also to find myself. To be somewhere new, with people I had never before met, meant learning more about others and also about myself. Different cultures and people are somehow my passion. I enjoy learning more about others and teaching them a bit about myself and my experiences as well.
I got to know people and stories in this year that I had never imagined I would meet in my life. As a history enthusiast, hearing my guest mother tell me about her life on the East side of the Berlin wall took my imagination to infinite places. I like seeing history come alive, and travelling provides me that.
Going to different places opens up the mind, the spirit and the heart. It makes you accept others and also yourself. The person I am today, this one who took the leap to apply to colleges in a different country, is a direct result of the little girl's fearlessness to travel far away just to live something new.
Your introduction is good and you have good ideas.
Thanks for the review. Any additional comments? Something you'd change?
"Five months later I was boarding a plane for a 12 hour trip that would take me to a country whose language I didn't speak to spend a month with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was this experience that definitely made me fall in love with travelling. " Put paranthizes (I made some changes, I don't know if you like them, they are just suggestions.)
-Boarding a plane for a 12 hour flight five months later, I journeyed to a country whose language I didn't speak, spending a month with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was this experience that definitely made me fall in love with travelling.
OR you can just add a paranthesis between "speak" and "to"
Five months later I was boarding a plane for a 12 hour trip that would take me to a country whose language I didn't speak, to spend a month with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was this experience that definitely made me fall in love with travelling.
I hope that I have helped you and good luck with your application to Yale!
Thank you very much! Every comment helps!
Hi Brazilian
I think
I have cried rivers
is a cliche. So maybe changing it to something simpler?
Duly noted. I'll think of something else. Maybe "I have shed tears"?
Could you also take a look at my other Yale supp essay? It's my second option. I'm not sure if this one or the one is better.
I really like your essay. Especially, the fact that you chose to use simple and effective words rather than sophisticated words. Over all It is very nice- needs some 'clichĂŠ' fixes. Eg- "I cried rivers" just doesn't sound right .
Thank you. I firmly believe in the "less is more" theory. I think my ideas are the important part, not my ability to use a thesaurus. I have already change the river crying into "shed tears"; it truly does sound and look better.
I read both of your essays. I liked the second one (the one about your grandma) much more than this one, because the writing is really creative and very emotional. However I think this essay (the one about Italy) talked more about yourself. So here I am, in a dilemma unable to recommend which one for you to submit.
I think your essay is quite good but I will suggest you to provide more facts on how you learn more about different countries. And I don't think you have to use blankets for the sentence below.
It is a proof of my independence (and my ability to make things right afterward).
Living in Germany for a year provided me opportunities to lose my way (literally) but also to find myself.
I'm already at 460 words and the limit is 500. So trying to do what you suggested, I added one line:
Living in Germany for a year provided me opportunities to lose my way (literally) but also to find myself. To be somewhere new, with people I had never before met, meant learning more about others and also about myself. Different cultures and people are somehow my passion. I enjoy learning more about others and teaching them a bit about myself and my experiences as well. Walking down streets and simply talking to people wherever I go are the best way I have to broaden my views and opinions.
What do you think? Does it make it better?
I really like this essay. It really makes me LIKE you. Also, the whole Germany thing is unique--something 99% of applicants won't be able to write about
Thank you! I've changed a couple of things in the essay, so I'm gonna put it here:
When I was 9 years old, my father asked me if I would like to spend my summer in Italy. At the time, I thought it was joke (and so did my mother). But it wasn't. Five months later I was boarding a plane for a 12 hour trip that would take me to a country whose language I didn't speak to spend a month with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was this experience that definitely made me fall in love with travelling.
After this initial venture, I was never able to stay put. I ended up going to Italy three more times, completely alone. At fourteen, I decided to do an exchange year in Germany. I didn't speak any German, but I went there anyway, ready for a new challenge. After three months there, I was speaking the language.
I love travelling. I love the feeling of going somewhere new and, as strange as it seems, I love getting lost. I have gotten lost in places I can't even point out on a map. I have shed tears in a train station after getting down at the wrong station and therefore missing my next two trains. Yet I loved these experiences. Because even though I felt lost and hopeless, I knew that I was learning something. Getting lost, to me, means that I am trying something new, discovering something that was not available to me before. Getting lost to me is wonderful. It is a proof of my independence and of my ability to make things right afterwards.
Living in Germany for a year provided me opportunities to lose my way (literally and metaphorically) but also to find myself. To be somewhere new, with people I had never before met, meant learning more about others and also about myself. Different cultures and people are somehow my passion. I enjoy learning more about others and teaching them a bit about myself and my experiences as well. Walking down streets and simply talking to people wherever I go are the best way I have to broaden my views and opinions.
I got to know people and stories in this year that I had never imagined I would meet in my life. As a history enthusiast, hearing my guest mother tell me about her life on the East side of the Berlin wall took my imagination to infinite places. I like seeing history come alive, and travelling provides me that.
Going to different places opens up the mind, the spirit and the heart. It makes you accept others and also yourself. The person I am today, this one who took the leap to apply to colleges in a different country, is a direct result of the little girl's fearlessness to travel far away just to live something new.
At fourteen, I decided to do an exchange year in Germany. I didn't speak any German, but I went there anyway, ready for a new challenge.
Getting lost, to me, means that I am trying something new, discovering something that was not available to me before; getting lost to me is wonderful.
Your essay is well polished. I strong idea and good conveyance. Good luck =)
