FINAL FEEDBACK NEEDED:
Intellectually, my passion is the universe. What began in my sixth grade English class has remained with me to this day. My sixth grade English teacher asked the class to write a short children's story. While at age twelve, I was not expected to know what I was going to study when I went to college however my sixth grade imagination did foretell a direction I would later take. I wrote about an alien named Zork who traveled space, explored other galaxies, black holes and ended up on Earth. While on Earth, Zork told stories about the unimaginable things throughout the universe. Although Zork and his travel to Earth was fictional, I believe there is a certain truth to the story and elements which I may even see in my lifetime. Our universe is vast and in many ways remains virtually unexplored, and that is as intriguing to me today as it was in sixth grade.
As a world leading research institution, I will have the necessary tools available to continue my pursuit in the scientific field. Cornell's reputation is unquestioned in its ability to academically challenge its students. The university offers curriculum that is rigorous and emphasizes going beyond the traditional to explore new ideas-and in this case to explore the universe. Given Cornell's vast resources, professors and tools available, I will be able to maximize my understanding of the universe in which we all live. With the guidance of one of the top Physics and Astronomy department in the country, I will venture on a journey through learning about our universe as a whole and as individual particles, and that excites me. It's a program I have followed for awhile via the "Ask an Astronomer @ Cornell University" website. What fuels my passion for astronomy and for Cornell is with the right mindset, tools, and peers, I have the ability to understand the universe in a way I have yet to achieve. Long-term my undergraduate experience at Cornell will lead me to post graduate work and a career in research.
Here's a trick:
As a world leading research institution, I will have the necessary tools available to continue my pursuit in the scientific field. XYZ's reputation is unquestioned in its ability to academically challenge its students. The university offers curriculum that is rigorous and emphasizes going beyond the traditional to explore new ideas-and in this case to explore the universe. Given XYZ's vast resources, professors and tools available, I will be able to maximize my understanding of the universe in which we all live. With the guidance of one of the top Physics and Astronomy department in the country, I will venture on a journey through learning about our universe as a whole and as individual particles, and that excites me...
...What fuels my passion for astronomy and for XYZ is with the right mindset, tools, and peers, I have the ability to understand the universe in a way I have yet to achieve. Long-term my undergraduate experience at XYZ will lead me to post graduate work and a career in research.
Do you see the problem with your piece? It's too generic. You can replace Cornell with the name of any other university and your essay remains the same. I doubt the folks at Cornell are going to like that. The "Ask an Astronomer" thing is the only place where you show that you did the homework on the university. In my opinion, you need to work on the second paragraph. Add more specific information about Cornell. Talk to some current students, if you can. Study the website carefully.
