Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 7


Passionate Art Student's PS for UC! Learn about a foreign kid's experience!!


crappyhair 2 / 6  
Nov 19, 2008   #1
hello! i'm an international student from Macao! now go to college in CA and majoring in ART, aiming at UCLA's art program. need of revision, please~~! no needa pick out grammatical flaws. i just want some comments and suggestions! Thanks alot!!

Prompt #1(560)

What is your intended major?
Discuss how your interest in the subject developed
and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities -

and what you have gained from your involvement. *


I sprinted through the long aisles before the mistress of ceremony announced my award. It was the third time she called me out for award that surprised the crowd; it was very rare that a person could be awarded three times in a season ceremony in my high school. They were first places of both Chinese calligraphy and Games pamphlet cover design competitions and second place of Christmas card design competition. That day was unforgettable and memorable, and it was my most active period of my secondary school life. On the stage, I stood proudly, thinking about the works I did. Since then I was convinced that art and designs was what I was pursuing in my life.

Alone I won all these awards, but then I started to appreciate how team work makes better art works and designs two year ago, while I was studying in my home country. There was a Christmas mural decoration competition during winter time. Since the project was quite big, each class in our grade entered the competition as a unit. As excited as I have always been about participating in design competitions, I spontaneously joined in our class' team at once and became one of the two team leaders. Then the team decided that each of the leaders, Mei and I, should provide a design as a candidate. Mei's novel idea of Santa as an astronaut travelling in the space was adopted. Frustratingly, my arrogant temperament was acting up; I was not very happy about the result.

Nevertheless, I respected the team and embraced their decision anyhow and worked hard to prove my importance. At first, despite of my self-determination, I did not know how to contribute to the team and work on the project because that was not my design; I simply was not able to do whatever I needed and wanted to do. As a leader, also, I did not know how to assign the jobs to others because I did not trust them. We were working slowly and did not make much progress at the first few days because of me, a self-centered leader.

Sometimes I could feel there were tension and awkwardness floating in the air when we gathered and tried to work something out. That was when I knew that I should step out and break through the predicament. I started to lay out the agenda, assign the tasks, and organize the team, even though I was not sure if this would put a successful piece together for us. Fortunately, our team seemed to cooperate well.

As I saw our team really worked as a team, I realized that it was not the matter of whose design it was nor what I wanted to do; instead, it was our design and what we wanted to do. I also learned to adapt from my isolated world to the new communal environment, to succeed as a group, and to share the happiness of success. Now I am moving farther from a community college to a lager learning society, University. Approaching to majoring in Design in such a large community, I look forward to getting to know more people who share my interests in art, sharing more experience which I believe will lead me to succeed in college. Furthermore, I believe this will again help me to succeed along my career as I live in a human social world.

Prompt #2(460)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you.
What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud,
and how does it relate to the person you are? *


When I was very young, I loved watching western TV shows and movies. Not only the fascinating effects and aesthetics attracted me, I also started to appreciate how knowledge-abundant, open-minded, and inclusive of different ideas and creativities it is in western society. With the passion for art, I decided to study abroad in the States and pursue my career. However, what seemed a wonderland is actually full of obstacles. Dealing with culture shock and language problems and building a new social life were difficult for me. In addition, these three years I changed places several times, from my home city to Minnesota, then to Washington, and finally to California. I found that I developed strong abilities to adapt to new environments.

Adapting to new environments may be easy for some people, but I had a very rough time getting through the conditions at first. However, I also appreciated the harsh time I had because now I know how to cope with them in the future.

One of the biggest obstacles was, sometimes still is now, language problems. Commanding a foreign language is just a matter of time, but the key is insistency. I still remember I used to spend half an hour just to finish one page of reading when I first came to the States. There were plenty of complex sentences I could not understand at all. However, I found that it was amazing that I would eventually understand as long as I did not give up and skip it. Sometimes it took up to ten times to understand. It was very much a milestone in my English learning history. However, what I understand is not just the language. I realized that it's not wise to give up when encountering problems. I also believe that only if we insist, we can get though the problems.

Another ability I developed that made me proud is my cooking. Cooking is a kind of art. I feel calm when I cook because it always keeps me thinking, organized, and appreciative of the beauty of cooking at the same time. This also symbolizes independence. Last summer when I went back home in Macao, I cooked for my family for the first time. I really felt proud of it because I felt that I started to contribute to my family. I could not help thinking that some day I could become independent and be able to support my family, and even build my own family.

All these valuable abilities I developed contribute to help me adapt to a new environment. I believe that no matter where I am, I can always get through the problems because I have a faith to pursue my dream, to support my family, and to contribute to the society.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 19, 2008   #2
Good evening :)

In regards to the first essay, while it is an interesting piece, I don't think it answers their prompt. It seems they want to know how you got interested in your major, how that interest flourished, and how you grew as a person as a result of your involvement with a group related to your chosen major. While winning awards is impressive, it doesn't really speak to your growth as a person or your interest in your specific subject area. Try to focus on that if you decide to rewrite.

In regards to the second piece, it is a much more appropriate response to the prompt. You describe the things that make you proud, and then relate them to yourself as you see you now; very nice.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP crappyhair 2 / 6  
Nov 23, 2008   #3
Thanks a lot! Your comments are really useful!

but i have some questions. Does my essay not answer their questions at all?

does the part talks about how I worked with a group works?
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 23, 2008   #4
You're very welcome.

I don't think it does, because we don't learn what your major is, nor any involvement with a group in the field, or really what you gained from this event. What it does tell us is that you succeeded in an individual aspect on an individual level for an individual award. We also get a great deal of detail about something irrelevant to the prompt. Working with the group for this Santa project could be a better focus; how you were upset because you (the individual) didn't have the winning idea, and you had to adapt to that new environment. that could be something to delve into more.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP crappyhair 2 / 6  
Nov 25, 2008   #5
Hello! So I adopted your useful suggestions and comments and modify my essay. Hope this time it works!

If you think both of them don't have major problems, I wonder if i can have you to proofread them, please? i'm glad to see what grammar errors I've made and what the pattern is.

Thank you. I appreciate it a lot!!
OP crappyhair 2 / 6  
Nov 25, 2008   #6
In the last paragraph of my 2nd essay, do I say contributing to helping me adapt...or to help...?
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 25, 2008   #7
Good afternoon :)

I do like your changes.

In regards to the sentence, I suggest "All these valuable abilities I developed help contribute me adapt to new environments."

Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "it's" should be "it is."

"I also believe that only if we insist, we can get though the problems."

Try not to use "we" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

Keep up the hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


Home / Undergraduate / Passionate Art Student's PS for UC! Learn about a foreign kid's experience!!
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳