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"passionate for life and eager for engineering knowledge" - why Rice-- be happy

andygu 6 / 14  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
Prompt: what motivated you to choose Rice?

I am a sunny boy who is passionate for life and eager for knowledge. I poured my energy on the basketball court, I expressed my original thought through creating my own nano solar cell project, I challenged myself by learning advanced math.

Fostering intellectualism and the qualities of a good person, Rice is my dreamland. Thanks to the tradition of Residential Colleges, I can strengthen the friendship with many talented and motivated students. By taking an active role in interesting social events like student government and innovative college-designed courses, I can use my passion to motivate others, and contribute my learning ranges from ancient Chinese philosophy to technology to the exuberant school life.

What's more, Rice is a comprehensive research university excelling at nanotechnology and electrical engineering. Abundant hands-on and future-oriented research programs can help me pursue my interests in Artificial Intelligence and Communications further.

Apart from longing for love and search of knowledge, concerns for others also guide my life. By joining the Engineers Without Borders, I can apply my knowledge in AI and ECE to develop robots which can assist rehabilitation of stroke, and create low-cost wireless communication for the poor. In a word, I will be happy and make others happy at Rice.

Any comments or suggestions? Thank you!
imclovis404 4 / 8  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
I am not so sure about writing "WHY" problems. But I think that your essay does not sound so exciting. May be you can think of some other expressions that make your essay more attractive. Good luck!:)
riny 13 / 26  
Nov 27, 2010   #3
I am a sunny boy,
Rice is my dreamland.

If you have to write an academic essay, these sentences should be more spesific by using other words.

good luck :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 10, 2010   #4
It is better to use fewer words when you can:
I am a sunny boy, who is passionate for about life and eager for knowledge.

Keep the verb form the same: longing and ----> searching
Apart from longing for love and search searching for knowledge, concerns for others also guide my life. ----now this is a beautiful sentence!

You have a great, poetic writing style. I like it. The essay is a little disorganized, but the kind of writing you use is very good. However, I think you should google this: structure, composition, paragraph topic sentence, organization.

Practice to write paragraphs that begin with topic sentences and then explain the meaning of the topic sentence. One paragraph = one idea.


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