I had originally started an essay about my dad, but it seemed so unoriginal so I decided to write about a past teacher instead. I'd love some feedback since the UK system is different I'm not used to writing such personal essays. Do you think it's appropriate?
At the start of the new millennium, following a prestigious job offer to my father, my family and I moved from South London to Cambridge. On the first day at my new school, having arrived late, I walked into the playground to find the entire student body silently participating in a beginning of term tradition, the headmistress' speech. As two hundred and fifty pairs of eyes turned to me, I scanned the crowd for someone to whom I could relate, and saw one girl who shared a vital characteristic; she was the only other student from African heritage. The culture shock experienced over the subsequent two years was incalculable and adapting to my new surroundings proved difficult and highly embarrassing at times. I had never heard of "cutlery", but I had used a knife and fork, and "riding" to me referred to bikes, not horses.
In my third academic year, I met my mathematics teacher, who took an immediate disliking to me. She would stand over my shoulder during each multiplication test, poking me when an answer was wrong. She complained that my braids were against school policy as "the other children couldn't have them" and denied my being ill as I "wasn't even pale". Naively, I thought nothing of her comments, but habitually began to do things that she did not expect of me to confute her prejudicial misconception.
It's not completed but I was then going to go on to say how ever since I've strived to surprise people and have been enspired by her underestimation of me.
I wasn't sure whether this is too personal or will be seen as "playing the race card"
ANY COMMENTS WOULD BE APPRECIATED (except really mean ones) :)
thanks
Z
Hey there,
I think this is a great essay. You have endured a very difficult and personal experience that only a very limited number of people can understand. I think its a great topic.
However, I do think you should be careful about how you write this.
Also, I think you should be more clear on what you are writing about. Admissions officers read thousands of Apps, so you should state that you will be discussing discrimination.
Also, this is just an idea, but if you put more attention grabbing material in the first few sentences, it will grab the readers attention. So, you could say something like " She examined my skin, and said I was not pale enough to be sick." "I couldn't believe she would comment on the color of my skin..
Otherwise, I think you are on the right track. I like the example with cutlery and riding. It shows that you had to overcome significant cultural norms that were particular to that area.
Good luck!
Naively, I thought nothing of her comments, but I habitually began to do things that she did not expect of me to confute her prejudicial misconception.
or
Naively, I thought nothing of her comments but habitually began to do things that she did not expect of me to confute her prejudicial misconception.
(The comma is not necessary unless you use "and." That is because the use of "and" makes it a compound sentence, and a compound sentence needs a comma.)
I agree with Sadi. Your concerns are unnecessary. This essay has a cool theme. I got beat up by some kids when I was 12, and it inspired me to learn martial arts, so I eventually felt thankful toward them! That is kind of like your theme.
One criticism: I think you should hint at the "lesson" contained in the story. Hint at that theme/lesson when you write the end of the first paragraph. Add a sentence to the end of that paragraph so that you can mention something about the strange way this adversity empowered you. :-)
