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For the past 17 years of painful transitions I have gained great understanding of different cultures

Mrfuzz 2 / 2  
Oct 30, 2014   #1
For the past 17 years of my life I have lived in three different countries with completely different cultures (**, **, ***). Despite the painful transitions and bitter goodbyes, I have a gained an excellent understanding of different cultures. For example, most of my friends abroad did not believe that Egypt had cars and roads like normal countries, but instead that we went to school by camels and deserts covered the country. Moreover, I had always pictured London as a group of 17th century houses and ancient cultures, until I had the opportunity to live there for three years which gave a clear understanding of the culture their and cleared the misconception that was in my mind. Therefore I think that I will be a valuable addition to an already existing wide range of cultures and backgrounds available in UD.

More than once, I was perceived as a very helpful individual and that I found pleasure in offering assistance. I was not made aware of this quality until I participated in charity events and fund raisers where our hard work was only rewarded by the personal satisfaction of helping others.I will be more than willing to offer my services to the University of Dallas, to help improve the college experience for my (hopefully) fellow peers and myself.

please tell me what you think and correct any wrong grammar
Thanks in advance

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 30, 2014   #2
Kareem, this is a really short essay considering the complexity of the prompt that was provided to you. You really have the space for proper paragraph development if you wish to do that. You have not actually answered the prompt either. While you spoke of things that reflect your idea of London, you failed to make any reference to the university and how you would be able to help enhance their academic and social community. Is there any chance that you have an idea for the significant contribution that you can make the the university community? You need to develop something impressive such as starting a new club that will help new students immerse themselves into the school community or something like that. Without that response, this essay falls dead in its tracks. It becomes useless because it does not offer the kind of insight that the admissions officer and committee needs or wants to hear about. I strongly suggest that you revise the essay because of those problems that I caught for you :-)
OP Mrfuzz 2 / 2  
Oct 30, 2014   #3
I can't thank you enough for your detailed and well developed feedback and I agree with you on most of the points.
I will revise it and do my best to have it focus on the point
Thanks again

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