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My path. I am applying for UGRAD, someone review my statement.

hadilakk 3 / 7 3  
Sep 24, 2017   #1

I chose the path of volunteerism

While living in a male dominant society, a woman has to face a lot of difficulties, be it your social life or your educational life, challenges are waiting for you at every corner. Being raised in such a society, a sense of independence, overwhelms my personality. To me, Art always seemed a medium to express my independence and various aspects of my life. My drawings are mostly abstract and highlight social, mental, and emotional aspects of human life. To prove myself a worthy asset to this society, I chose the path of volunteerism. It helps me to transfer my skills and knowledge to others.

Being an unprivileged girl from a rural background, parents always force their daughters to choose conventional subjects like Zoology, chemistry and botany. Microbiology, seemed to me an unconventional way to spread freedom of choice among girls like myself.

People of rural areas have no knowledge about modern sciences and its use, so the choice of studying microbiology, can help me promote a sense of development in people of rural areas, and will convince parents to let their daughters choose unconventional subjects as a career choice. As for my research, I intend to go for viral studies, as viruses like Ebola are prevailing and there are no current cure for such viral diseases.

Belonging from a middle-class family, I never got the opportunity to travel outside of Pakistan. My parents can never afford to send me for such an experience, on their own. This platform can provide me the opportunity to make myself a much more independent and socially active person. USA is a perfect place to explore freedom, meet new people from around the world and share something of my culture with other cultures.

The world limit exceeds than 250, and can i do that? can word limit exceed?
tjrayhill56 1 / 2  
Sep 24, 2017   #2
"Being an unprivileged girl from [...] choice among girls like myself."

You may want to clarify... I live in rural part of the US and never heard of parents forcing their kids to study Zoo, Chem. or botany. Most rural parents have no clue what those subjects entail anyways.

If you have a word limit than you need to follow that. Its okay to have less but never more. Most reviewers will check that first.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,585 3757  
Sep 25, 2017   #3
Hadiqa, in response to your question, you cannot exceed the word limit for the essay. If you are submitting this essay electronically, the program is designed to not let your application through if you exceed the word limit. You have to be at exactly 250 or produce at least 200 words for the essay to be accepted by the program for automatic submission. With that said, I am not sure which portions of the essay you can cut out. However, I believe that you can decide the portions to shorten or delete after I have offered my observations regarding your content in this thread. Let's get started.

A Global Ugrad essay needs to depict some specific requirements coming from the applicant. These specifications are as follows:

Your interests and personality
Your academic objectives
Your goals related to your field of study and personal development
The reasons why you wish to pursue them in the U.S.A and how it relates to your interests and future objectives

As you can see, the topic per paragraph is practically outlined in the instructions and yet your essay does not accurately reflect these requirements. You went for an abstract presentation, requiring the reviewer to analyze your essay for content and meaning. What you should have done was explain in detail how you qualify based upon the aforementioned questions.

The weakest parts of your essay are the opening statement and the reasons why you wish to study in the US. In the opening statement, you mentioned something about art and yet in the rest of the essay, you mention an interest in science. So which is it? If you will be focusing on science, then open the essay with a science reference to your personality. Narrow down your goals to only your personal success because trying to influence other parents to let their daughters study when they do not believe it is important for them to do is an idea that cannot be easily changed. That will not be changed even if you successfully complete your semester abroad.

Your interest for traveling to the US needs to be better developed to include the kind of contributions you can make to the group. Remember, this is going to be small group of foreign exchange students who are expected to bring an interesting, diverse, and learning experience as you exchange cultural and academic experiences during the year. What will your cultural contribution be and what do you hope to learn during your year abroad?

Base your revisions on the prompt guidelines for this essay that I provided. Once you write an essay that responds to those required discussion topics, then you will have an essay that you can submit with your application. Remember, don't go over 250 words.
ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Sep 25, 2017   #4
Hi Hadiqa, You put an interesting opening paragraph which is good for you yet you need to consistent with your statement. To give a feedback, I think the second paragraph is better if you merge with the first paragraph as it's more connected than put in a separate paragraph (or even you might delete it so you will meet the word limit requirement)
OP hadilakk 3 / 7 3  
Sep 25, 2017   #5
Thank you. I am reviewing whatever you said, and I agree.
madiefarts123 5 / 11 1  
Oct 9, 2017   #6
I understand the kind of background you come from, and i appreciate your power in overcoming all the challenges. But the frequent addition of life in a rural area makes your essay pathos heavy. Also, I think you should just stick to one main point, i think you're trying to merge a lot of points here, and as a result the essay is lacking focus.
OP hadilakk 3 / 7 3  
Oct 9, 2017   #7
well thats my new one, please give it a go and read. thats 248 words, limit is 250 and I dont know where to add or delete things.

Being a woman from a middle-class family, I had to stand strong, Independent and be my own self. Having a rural background in a Male dominant society, my potential was always underestimated. But as my university life started, I tried to experience and learn as much as I could. As a strong believer of diversity and individuality, I volunteered for a culture exchange, experienced the Balochi culture, its diversity. It gave me the positivity of a Baloch and the individuality of a Punjabi.

Back in 2014, my close friend was diagnosed with severe form of Tuberculosis. The poor conditions of our medical centers as well as lack of awareness in people, made her two sisters contract the disease. It was a moment of realization for me. Followed by that one year, I sensed similar conditions of disease outbreaks in my area, So I decided to go for Microbiology as a career.

My goals related to microbiology include epidemiological research in Pakistan as well as Biofuels and their extraction from microbes to help in finding a solution for the energy crises going all over Pakistan.

Having a middle-class background, with much financial instability, I never got the opportunity to travel much because my father could never afford to provide me with an experience like this. With this platform, I can project a strong, independent, confident and a positive image of Pakistani women to the world, to show the world that we are full of potential, waiting to be discovered.

Home / Undergraduate / My path. I am applying for UGRAD, someone review my statement.