Hello everyone! This personal statement is for Pitzer College. Please read and criticize my essay! I'd love you hear all of your comments. Also, i will gladly read any of your essays if you ask. Thank you!
Prompt: Pitzer College was founded in 1963, the same year Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his famous 'I Have a Dream' speech, which had a fundamental impact upon our nation and the world. Reflecting on Pitzer's core values (intercultural understanding, social responsibility, interdisciplinary emphasis and student autonomy), what is your dream for your time at Pitzer and how will that influence you to make a positive impact?
wow! this is realllyyy good!!!
very well-written and articulated, i got a real sense of your personality and your goals in life. well done, i love how you tied it all together at the end.
some minor suggestions though:
-3rd paragraph: make a difference IN the lives
-8th paragraph: i dont think you need the comma after Pitzer students are sensitive
-8th paragraph: also maybe think about using some semicolons to make it less choppy? that might help it flow a little more, just a suggestion
hope that helps, good luck with your admissions! =D
I think it's an excellent essay!
Here are some small suggestions:
To name a few characteristics, he has a boundless compassion for all humans, he has an insatiable appetite for education, and he commands and embraces his immensely important, life changing position.
But I am more than eager to begin my journey, and ready to make a difference in the lives of others and even the world.
Hope that helps...
Thank you all for the revisions!
Anyone else for suggestions?
"I want to be a doctor." Such a general, common statement must sound simple enough, right? Well at least to me it does. After all, it's what I've been telling myself for years.
But let's take a closer look at that word, "doctor." In my view, a doctor is a daily hero. To name a few characteristics, he has a boundless compassion for all humans, he has an insatiable appetite for education, and he commands and embraces his immensely important, life changing position. (The verb "commands" and "embraces" are isolated because I don't understand what you mean by the doctor commands his position and how the doctor embraces his position) Suddenly the words "I want to be a doctor" become(became) much more daunting and complex than I had originally expected. (I feel like this sentence is unnecessary)
The journey to become a doctor is arduousto say the least(Unnecessary) . A great devotion is required, and the career itself demands a "special" type of person who holds the characteristics mentioned earlier(I heard that this kind of phrase: "as it said above...etc..." is not so good way to describe what you want to say. What about briefly describing them again?).But I am more than eager to begin my journey, and ready to make a difference the lives of others and even the world(Why?) .I believe that Pitzer College is the most appropriate place for me to start(because...?).
At a first glance at Pitzer, one would most probably first notice the brilliant murals that adorn its walls.(Why don't you say... "I was impressed by the brilliant murals of Pitzer representing... blahblah..." Use the first person perspective) Murals range from themes of racial equality to culturally influenced art to wacky depictions (my favorite is that of the large spoon and banana cartoon). When I first viewed these murals, I began to feel the active spirit and the striking diversity of the student body.(It will be better if you give the reason ... or the specific of what part of mural exactly gave you that impression? It is even better to illustrate the image of mural into your writing.) I began to sensed that I was standing in a very dynamic community. I love the murals because they represent how deeply compassionate the students are and how their eyes and ears are open to their community and to the world.
If you could be more specific about your statements... and shorten the length of the essay by cutting some repetitions...
it will be an outstanding essay.
I did not check it grammar wise because I suck at grammar...
You should be free to ignore my suggestions because I am a heavily biased writer.
And I didn't even finish reading your whole essay because the length is too intimidating to take a look at it. Shortening the essay alone will boost the power of your words.
Good luck
don't say very dynamic community. Just say, dynamic community
Revision:
"I want to be a doctor." Such a general, common statement must sound simple enough, right? Well at least to me it does. After all, it's what I've been telling myself for years.
But let's take a closer look at that word, "doctor." In my view, a doctor is a daily hero. To name a few characteristics, he has a boundless compassion for all humans, an insatiable appetite for education, and he commands and embraces his immensely important, life changing position. Suddenly the words "I want to be a doctor" become much more daunting and complex than I had originally expected.
The journey to become a doctor is arduous to say the least. A great devotion is required, and the career itself demands a "special" type of person who holds exceptional characteristics. But I am more than eager to begin my journey, and ready to make a difference in the lives of others and even the world. I believe that Pitzer College is the most appropriate place for me to start.
At a first glance at Pitzer, I immediately noticed the brilliant murals that adorn its walls. Murals range from themes of racial equality to culturally influenced art to wacky depictions (my favorite is that of the large spoon and banana cartoon). When I first viewed these murals, I began to feel the active spirit and the striking diversity of the student body. Each mural was so unique and personal -- most even contained powerful messages of activism. I sensed that I was standing in a dynamic community, filled with people who will change the world. I love the murals because they represent how deeply compassionate the students are and how their eyes and ears are open to their community and to the world.
One of my dreams for my time at Pitzer is to be exposed to the wonders of each diverse society in the world through a school that is exceptionally diverse itself. I dream to study abroad, to stay in the home of a local family, and not just learn about a culture, but live it. I dream that this powerful intercultural education will be integrated into my education in the Social Sciences. I cannot wait to receive an education that does not simply teach through lectures and books, but immerses students in the thick of the real world, with all its disillusionments. Simply put, I want to learn as much as possible about humans of every culture, so I can serve it as best as possible.
I also dream to stimulate my social activism in Pitzer. As I read that "Pitzer students donate 100,000 hours annually to community service" on the school's website, I learned that these students are not just learners, but also doers. They do not merely examine the issues of the world, but make excellent strides to address them. As the president of the National Honor Society at my school, I have done my part to address poverty in my community, yet I believe that I can do so much more at Pitzer. I dream to leave a bigger mark on the world alongside other students and faculty who are just as devoted to altruism as I am.
Now you may be asking, how does this all translate to a career as a doctor? Well let's review some of the characteristics of a doctor that I mentioned earlier and the characteristics of Pitzer students. A doctor has "boundless compassion for all humans." Pitzer students are reputed for their community involvement. They seem to never stop fighting for social justice in the world. A doctor "has an insatiable appetite for education." Pitzer students are sensitive, students always eager to learn about the world and its issues. At Pitzer, you are always learning. From the countries you live in to the students and communities you work with, something new will always be added to your eclectic education. A doctor "commands and embraces his immensely important, life changing position." The Pitzer student goes the extra step, passionately aiding everyone they can. Their dynamic actions are always making a difference in the lives of others.
From there, a connection can be clearly made. The many powerful qualities that I will cultivate at Pitzer, such as an extensive intercultural knowledge and social responsibility, will undoubtedly prepare me for a career as a doctor.
"I want to be a doctor." True, the statement did sound quite daunting and complex at first. But include the word "Pitzer" somewhere in there, and the statement suddenly becomes as simple as I had originally thought.
