I am applying through the CommonApp and the prompt that I've chosen is below. The essay cannot be more than 650 words and wont accept anything shorter than 250 words.
#1 : Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
I hope your edits will help me in writing my final essay.
Title: Building Traits
Throughout high school, I was fortunate enough to be able to volunteer for many organizations. One that really opened my eyes was the Habitat for Humanity's Restore. Habitat for Humanity's Restore is a global, nonprofit housing organization that seeks to put into action by building homes, communities and hope. Nationally, more than 800,000 houses were build or repair serving more than 4 million people.
This organization really opened an opportunity for me to assist young teenagers like me who are in a situation of poverty. I volunteered to help build and organize second hand furnitures and household items for non- profit homes. I realized then just how fortunate I have been. I was able to see firsthand the people who did not have beds to sleep on every night or even something as simple as a bedside table. I conceive that growing up essentials are crucial to a person's life. The lack of appliances can departures a person's life abnormally than a person with many appliances. As I continuously stack hundreds of energy saving light bulbs on the overly crowded shelf, I wonder my thoughts that many rooms can be built within these numerous light bulbs, saving another person from persisting in the dark.
As I further evaluated their situation, I came to realize they perhaps do not have adequate health care as I do. This is when I decided I wanted to enter the medical field and be an advocate for those who are less fortunate. I believe good health and human compassion are the most important circumstances a person needs and I want to be the one to provide that to someone.
Patience, dedication and motivated are three traits I stand by. These traits are not those one is born with, but rather it is learned. Growing up, my parents raised me to be a hard worker because they dream of a bright future for me. My mother and father were born in Vietnam where food was scarce and education was not possible. Being the first generation child, I aspire to be the first in my family to get my high school diploma and proceed into college. The stories of my mother's past motivate me to work hard and keep me dedicated.
While my parents have dreams for me to be successful, I hold my own dreams as well. My dream is to have a career that affects the lives of others in a positive way. Volunteering at Habitat of Humanity showed me that there are shelters for families out there, however, action must diverge into configurations to make this possible. Therefore, I learned management, responsibility, and commitment while establishing these possessions for other's live. This is my reasoning for going into the medical field. I aspire to be a person who makes positive changes in someone's life each day. (472 words)
Chelsea, this is a supposed to be a story central to your identity. The problem, is that you spend too much time talking about the identity of your parents instead of your own. You should focus the whole essay on the Habitat for Humanity Restore program instead and then relate it in some way to the story of your parents if it is possible. That way you change the focus of the essay from being about your parents and their struggles in Vietnam to you and how your own future is affected by their past. Your parent's have an admirable story of survival but, it is not your story, so it should only be mentioned or skimmed over. It should not take a large part of the essay as it is now. Develop your story with Habitat and then mention your parents struggle in your reflection about how lucky you are. That should work better in answering the prompt while retaining most of the existing information from the first version of your essay.
it is a short essay. In fact, you have plenty of time writing your essay. Subsequently, endeavour exemplifying some of your stances are imperative.
Nails, screwdrivers, tools..
- Chelsea, you can delete this portion because it does not really introduce an important aspect of the essay. You can skip directly to the second paragraph as the introductory because that directly answers the prompt.
As I further evaluated their situation, I came to realize they perhaps do not have adequate health care as I do
- What made you think they did not have healthcare? You need to explain that before you move on to other topics that support this observation.If you would kindly address the issues I pointed out in my comments above, I will gladly help you polish this essay in time for the November 1 deadline :-) Just relax, don't panic, breath. We have time to work on this. It can be done if you believe we can do it :-)
