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'I pay close attention to the nature' - Transfer- introduce yourself to Penn


anstjswls 2 / 2  
Mar 7, 2012   #1
short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

It is 2:00 AM. I stand in the sentinel's outpost looking out for any suspicious movements beneath the dim light of stars. The bleak winter of Korea makes me shiver even though I am wearing layers of clothing under my uniform. In this solemn mountain, all I can hear is the sound of leaves fluttering through the wind and the sporadic cries of wild animals deep in the forest. In this moment, quiet, still, soft, I reflect on my life, and let the untamed spirits of the wild speak to me in the silence. They refresh my exhausted mind and fill me up with new energy.

I am a person who pays close attention to the nature and know how to listen to my inner voice. As I move forward while overcoming difficulties with self-reflection, I am confident and ready to meet challenges because I know how to stay alive throughout my adventure.

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My friend looked at the first paragraph... but I need someone to check the second paragraph...
Please, help me out

Thanks

maroon5 9 / 57  
Mar 7, 2012   #2
Going back to the essay, I will be very honest and say that the content isn't very good and you would be wise to rewrite it on some other topic. The only thing that i really get to learn about you from the essay is that you like to stay up at night and hear stuff. The first paragraph should be about something that is the logical predecessor of your second paragraph. That is far from the case here and i strongly recommend that u write on something else that makes more sense.
chalumeau /  
Mar 8, 2012   #3
I don't know how to respond to this comment. I am not a writer by profession. I also admit I'm no English professor, but I feel as though your critique was unnecessarily rough.

I introduced personification (the "winter" and "gusts") and enhanced the wonderful metaphor of the layers of clothing as layers of rock. I felt quiet and still after reading your paragraphs. I loved the ideas. I simply wanted to embrace all of your ideas in one paragraph incorporating the theme of acceptance at the end.

Please don't personally attack me or others on this site. I offer suggestions at my personal expense. I always go for the A+. In this quest, sometimes the "voice," as you put it, changes a little. Oh well.

Questions for you:
1) Why are you following my posts?
2) Why are you in such a bad mood?

"Going back to the essay, I will be very honest and say that the content isn't very good and you would be wise to rewrite it on some other topic. The only thing that i really get to learn about you from the essay is that you like to stay up at night and hear stuff. The first paragraph should be about something that is the logical predecessor of your second paragraph. That is far from the case here and i strongly recommend that u write on something else that makes more sense."

3) How does your paragraph make sense?

I found wonderful, wonderful ideas lurking beneath the surface. It's true this paragraph wouldn't get you into the school of engineering, but it's a good starting piece.

4) Have you read any of the Helen Keller biographies? If not, I suggest you do.
sidmarur 1 / 4  
Mar 23, 2012   #4
I think your first paragraph is a good start,though you can make it better . Probably make it a little metaphorical,try to string those moments together to make the real meaning apparent to the reader.But your second paragraph seems a little out of place.I felt there is a disconnect between the two.Keep working,you've made a good start :)

Also,maroon 5 I think your comment is really inappropriate . I've seen some of Chalemeau's posts and edits,and they're really good ! Like everyone thanks him for his advice . So yeah,I don't know why you're ranting at him :/
chalumeau /  
Mar 23, 2012   #5
Correction: I'm a her--not a him.
Thanks for the support. I felt really bad and
thought about quitting the site after reading
the comment.
sidmarur 1 / 4  
Mar 23, 2012   #6
Oh sorry , didn't pay attention :/
Trust me,don't quit you're damn helpful ! And since we're on the topic , Help me out too :D


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