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Peace Corps Essay #2 - Multicultural Experience (Moving to London)


aharari 2 / 5  
Aug 9, 2010   #1
Thanks in advance for the help. I am looking to have my grammar/diction reviewed and just get some general thoughts.

Moving to London



Since I was young I have always wanted to travel. I view the world as a place full of interesting places, people and cultures that should be seen and experienced. My passion has driven me to open my mind to new experiences, challenged my perceptions and made me travel to places I would never have gone. Along my travels, I have had to learn that you have to step out of your comfort zone, open your mind and learn to integrate into your new social environment. Doing so will provide you with invaluable experiences during your travels and throughout life.

Moving to college was my first experience with living in an environment that consisted of people from many different cultural backgrounds. When I left for college, I never thought it would be the learning experience that it turned out to be. At first, I was not receptive to the different the customs of each individual and held stereotypical perceptions which led me to not integrate well. As I progressed through my first year, I learned that not integrating well. Seeing what was happening, I opened my mind to others cultural customs and removed perceptions I held, allowing me to better understand each person, become friends with them and gain their respect. Soon I found out why local customs where done and that many of my perceptions were wrong. I left college with many friends from different areas of the country and a new outlook on the world.

During 2009, I had the opportunity to further explore and experience the world and moved to London. Initially, I thought moving to London would allow me to integrate with minimal trouble since England is our "cousin." The same night that I arrived, I went to grab a quick burger for dinner. When I ordered, I was asked if I wanted salad and dressing with my burger. "No thanks, just the burger please" I replied to a server puzzled by my answer. Shortly after taking my first bite, I soon realized that salad and dressing meant lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles and ketchup. The server saw the surprised look on my face, had a little laugh and provided me with the condiments I wanted. It only took me one bite of a burger to realize that there would be some minor to major changes in living in working in London.

While living in a hostel and finding a place to live, I made a conscious decision to move into a house that was multicultural and consisted of likeminded people who were traveling abroad. I decided to move into a house with eleven other people from Australia, Bulgaria, England, France, Hungary, Japan and New Zealand. Each roommate took the time to get to know each other, share their cultures and experiences and allow each roommate to learn about one another but to integrate better in London and in a multicultural environment.

While living and exploring the city and culture with my new roommates, I also looked for and found a job. The hiring process and working environment is different from the U.S. several ways and I had to learn how to adapt. After applying to jobs with no response, a recruiter who specialized in hiring expatriates examined my resume and went over it with me. My current resume was not properly reflecting my educational and professional background allowing me to secure a job. When I started working, I also had to adapt to different work customs. By recognizing, realizing differences and adapting to them, my co-workers saw my dedication to learning and adapting to a new culture to fit in and function within it. By doing so, I was able to gain the trust and respect of my colleagues and we taught each other different strategies to accomplish common goals.

Living abroad proved to be the most invaluable experience in my life. Along the way I learned that there will always be bumps in the road when moving to a new environment where the culture, values and people are different from your own. By opening your mind and making the effort to learning about the local culture and people, indigenous people will see your efforts at integration and will help you fit in. As you progress and learn more, you also gain their trust and respect, allowing you to function better in your new environment. In return for your efforts, you receive an understanding of a different culture and experiences that will dramatically and forever change your views and open your eyes to the world.
jelidtj 5 / 21  
Aug 9, 2010   #2
I view the world as a place full of interesting places, people and cultures

i wouldn't want to use place twice. Perhaps u can say "i view the world as a planet filled with interesting..." << what you think?

..held stereotypical perceptions which led me to not integrate well..

Perhaps you could put a period after stereotypical perceptions and they say "This did not allow me to integrate well"

As I progressed through my first year, I learned that not integrating well.

huh? can u explain this sentence plzz :)

Seeing what was happening, I opened my mind to others cultural customs and removed perceptions I held, allowing me to better understand each person, become friends with them and gain their respect.

I think "Recognizing this" would sound better than "Seeing what was happening".. Also, some of your sentences are a tad lengthy. i would put a period after "I held" and then say "This allowed me to better understand..."

"No thanks, just the burger please" I replied to a server puzzled by my answer.

How about "No thanks, just the burger please.", i replied to the server who was appalled by my answer. if you like :)

While living in a hostel and finding a place to live

would "searching" be a better word to use instead of "finding"??

I also looked for and found a job

i think you should just say "I found a job".. since that would imply that you had to look for one as well

My current resume was not properly adequately reflecting my educational and professional background allowing me in order to secure me a job.

By recognizing, realizing differences and adapting to them, my co-workers saw my dedication to learning and adapting to a new culture to fit in and function within it .

"adapting" already implies "to fit in and function with it" so i don't think it is necessary to say that again

By In doing so, I was able to gain the trust and respect of my colleagues and we taught each other different strategies to accomplish common goals.

In return for your efforts, you receive an understanding of a different culture and experiences that will dramatically and forever change your views and open your eyes to the world.

I'm going to have a go at rearranging this sentence. tell me if you like it "In return for your efforts, you receive an understanding of a different culture and experience that will open your eyes to the world and dramatically change your views forever"

Other than these, you have a really really good essay here ! I like your expression, organization and use of anecdotes.

All the best ! :)
OP aharari 2 / 5  
Aug 9, 2010   #3
You made some good points! Thanks for the help!
jelidtj 5 / 21  
Aug 10, 2010   #4
didn't have a lot of work to do thought, you're a very good writer.
you're welcome :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 11, 2010   #5
Since I was young I have always wanted to travel.

This is a boring way to begin. :-) I hope you don't mind me being critical! I always try to notice if the first sentence of an essay seems too plain. Can you think of an intriguing sentence that will accomplish the same thing?

I view the world as a place full of interesting places, people and cultures that should be seen and experienced.--- again, very obvious and plain.

Here is where the good stuff begins, I think:
My passion has driven me to open my...
How about making this the first sentence and scratching out the ones that precede it. But you can add more meaning by doing this:

My passion for _________ has driven me to open my...

Okay, I know what should fill in the blank: my passion for studying cultures has driven me to open my...

"Studying cultures" is like the theme of the essay. I think you should take out the boring sentences at the beginning and establish 'studying cultures' as the theme for your essay. And the peace corps is a perfect place for an anthropologist like you!!

You do write very well. Sorry I called your intro boring. :-)


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