PEACE CORPS Essays; Why Volunteer and A Cultural Experience

Hello;

I am writing my peace corps essays and I would like some advice. I am a scientist and I know i can come off a bit mono tonal and would like other people's opinions.

Describe an experience you have had in living or working in a social or cultural environment different from your own. What specific challenges did you face concerning trust, confidence, and/or integration?

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Essay 1:
It is my belief that every human is born with a sense of responsibility towards the betterment of the community. Everyone who is spiritually in tune knows that the human species can only grow prosperous if every single member is prosperous and healthy. I am not the oldest or wisest person on the planet; but in the 26 years I have been here I have realized that every one of us have a yearning or a calling in life. In the process of going through school and partaking in the very diverse classes that my degree required me too I thought I'd find something that would smack me in the face. I was looking in the wrong place; it was in my extracurricular activities where I practiced what I was best at, helping. It ranged from volunteering to make baked goods for in grade school to washing clothes and shining shoes for homeless women who need a new job. This is where I was at my happiest; it just took me a while to realize this.

I chose the Peace Corps because I can help on an entirely different level. I have the opportunity to share with a needy community my knowledge; and in turn I can gain new knowledge and an unforgettable experience. Life has given me a very good hand, where my hard working parents were able to provide me with a higher education; I see it fit to share that knowledge with other people who would otherwise never have access to it. I also will learn how life is on a different country with different levels of comfort available to me. There are a lot of necessities in America that in reality are not necessities, blackberries included. This is no vacation; I know this and it is what makes it all the more attractive to me. I see it as the possibility of experiencing life in its rawness; they way it's meant to be lived. A chance to see how people really live and help the people who really need it, in a place where 911 and 311 does not exist.

The area that I have come to love is teaching. Unfortunately, during school I never thought teaching was an option for me. I ruled it out because I thought I'd have no patience. After accepting a clandestine tutoring offer I found out this was not so. This clandestine offer led me to a quasi full time job on wyzant.com for a period of a year or so. I enjoy seeing the glitter of understanding in someone's eye after they see what they once thought a huge problem one that is now relatively easy. This is half of the reason why I truly want to join. The other half is the unknown amount of teachings I will receive in my host country. A true cultural exchange.

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Essay #2:
I am a native New Yorker, born in the peaceful and lively Queens. I was born to a Dominican woman and a Costarican male, two immigrants who came here in search for a new life. Two among millions of people from all over the world who come to New York to start over. Culture is a part of everyday life in NY; some learn to deal with it, other learns to embrace it, others ignore it and others reject the differences. I was one to say I embrace it, especially since I come from two very different Latino backgrounds, but the reality is that no one ever really knows how they will react to cultural change until we are placed in a situation where the culture clash is evident. This is where we truly find out how tolerant we are of different points of view.

From my two back grounds I've learned many things that I would otherwise not know how to appreciate being strictly 100% American. Things ranging from periods of black outs to being placed in situation where I am socially excluded for being "different" in my own family. In the last example, I am referring to an instance where my Dominican family found me too 'Americanized' and it brought a very tangible sense of exclusion as if we spoke different languages. I adapted by quickly shifting to something that we did relate to. The Latin culture is very different to the standard American one, but it is definitely not the farthest from it.

During my college years I studied French for a year, and after I purchased Rosetta Stone to continue practicing the language and possibly learn a new one. I was hired by FreshDirect to work in their lab as a microbiologist and one of my roles was to make rounds looking out for any possible food safety hazards. These rounds allowed me to get to know many of the employees. In one department there were a lot of African males who half spoke French; so I saw it as a possibility to relate to them and practice my conversational French. In one of the many to follow instances where I found myself needing to correct the employee's practices, I found myself with a superbly resistant and insolent man who I thought my friend. After speaking with the manager I found out that the reason is because back in their home countries they do not take orders from women; on the contrary, they are seen slightly above cattle; an idea that my belief system completely rejects. However; after knowing this I did not see his actions as one towards against me personally, it's simply a different way of thinking. Ever since I have tried to be as delicate as possible when referring to an African employee, sometimes preferring to call a male manager to speak with them; just to not make things harder than it really needs to be.

This experience really demonstrated to me that culture acceptance really needs people to have an expanding mind that is capable of accepting new ideas that are in conflict with the ones that you believe are indeed correct. In this expansion you also learn to be respectful and empathetic of other people's background and gain insight to their actions. Overall, it's an incredible insight to human nature and a realization that within the same species, people can be completely different.

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Thank you for your help in advance!

Michelle Munoz

female and male, woman and man...
like this:
I am a native New Yorker, born in the peaceful and lively Queens. I was born to a Dominican woman and a Costa Rican man.

Do not use 'female' and 'man' but instead put like with like (i.e. woman and man, female and male)

Run on sentence:
Two among millions of people from all over the world who come to New York to start over.
fix it this way:
Two among millions of people from all over the world, they came to New York to start over.


Is this the thesis statement? I think the first para of most essays should have a sentence that sums up the central meaning of the essay.

I look at this sentence - "During my college years I studied French for a year, and after I purchased Rosetta Stone to continue practicing the language and possibly learn a new one..." - and it makes me ask myself, does this topic sentence support the thesis of the essay?

I hope you can put a powerful thesis at the end of the first para so the reader will know for sure the theme of the essay, and then the reader will be impressed with the body paragraphs expertly support the theme with examples.

You write well! I hope this helps.

Thank you for your help!
I'll give it a shot to apply all the advice and I will post the corrected essays. =)

@ freezard. I thought the same thing but then that would make it way too long!