Essay #2: Discuss how an event, novel or experience has significantly influenced you or changed your life.
The guide book said it wasn't to be missed. And so, on a recent trek through Ireland, I made a stop in Belfast to experience one of the city's famous Black Cab Tours. Over the course of only a few hours, I saw the row houses of Protestant Shankill Road draped in Union Jacks, listened to stories of the hunger strikers from the Catholic neighborhoods, and awed at the impressively elaborate murals celebrating revolutionaries on both sides of the religious paradigm. Though I had familiarized myself with Belfast's "Troubles" before arriving in the city, it wasn't until we reached our final stop on the tour that I realized just how naïve I had been to assume that reading a book meant I understood the religious and political strife that for so long had defined an entire population.
If "good fences make good neighbors," Belfast's Peace Line is the King of all fences. Built in layers - chain link sits atop steel, brick, and iron - the Peace Line is a 25 foot-high wall meant to minimize intercommunal violence between Catholics and Protestants. Standing in the shadows of the towering wall, I struggled to make sense of my conflicting thoughts and feelings. I watched as a little boy dodged between two parked cars to retrieve a soccer ball, and cringed to think of the role car bombs had played at the height of "The Troubles." Everything around me seemed to suggest a city on the mend, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I had somehow stumbled upon the dirty secret outsiders weren't supposed to see. When I asked my tour guide about the possible destruction of the wall, he responded by pointing to a mural painted on the end of a nearby row house. I stared at the life-like face in the painting. With his toothy grin and hat turned backwards, I thought he looked like someone I could see in one of my classes back home. This young man had been killed only last year, long after the supposed end of "The Troubles."
Viewing the world from Belfast's Peace Line is only one of multiple experiences that has not only provided me with a better understanding and appreciation of my own country, but also presented new questions about the world in which I live. It is my desire to know the answers to these questions that influenced my decision to major in Political Science, a degree with which I hope to work for the U.S. Department of State, particularly in Foreign Service.
I still wonder why the beautiful city of Belfast is scarred by religious and political strife. I yearn to know why race and religion remain such powerful discriminates. But by studying Political Science at Hillsdale College, a place whose very existence proves that answers to these questions are possible, I know I will be on the right track to understanding the world I am so fascinated by, and making the difference I so badly want to make.
Just a quick note....Founded just before the Civil War, Hillsdale College was one of the first colleges to accept people of all races, religions, and sexes. The line in the last paragraph is a reference to this. (This is something they are very proud of, and so will know what it is I am referencing)
Even in a rush to meet your Friday deadline, I had to read your essay twice to figure out why it took awhile to get into it. I venture to guess that its because of the "it" in the first sentence.
The guide book said it wasn't to be missed.
I don't know what the "it" is until the third paragraph (first sentence.) I am still not sure if "it" is the Peace Line or the Troubles. So any reader who isn't familiar with your topic will probably stumble on the same bump.
and awed (IS AWE A VERB??) at the impressively elaborate
The saying in your second paragraph makes for a good attention-getter - maybe start with that? And you have the opportunity to put more energy in the essay (instead of being like a diary journal) by using as many active verbs as you can (in place of I had, made, could etc.)
I tend to agree, although I appreciate your effort to intrigue the reader with a quick, mysterious first sentence. Here is my idea:
The guide book said it wasn't to be missed. And so, On a recent trek through Ireland, I made a...
But your way really is good. I don't know which is better...
If "good fences make good neighbors," Belfast's Peace Line is the fence that makes the best neighbors of all.
I like your essay a lot! I think you could make it better though by improving your third paragraph. Try SHOWING instead of telling. Keep your hook, the first sentence is captivating and it makes me want to read more into your essay! If you can try to connect it with your following paragraphs. In the conclusion you could go back to it..
The guidebook said it wasn't to be missed, and sure enough had I failed to witness Belfast's Peace Line...etc.
