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'No peaceful moments in my house' - Common app - my experience, risk, or achievement

Sapphire 8 / 10  
Dec 20, 2008   #1
I would like to know if i have answered the personal essay correctly or if the essay is too boring and plain. Please help to check if there is any grammar mistakes. Thanks.

Essay: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its importance on you.
There was never a peaceful moment in my house. My mum would be yelling at me to practice piano and rushed me to trainings. One minute, my fingers would be running around the keys, Next minute, my palm would be banging on the keys. I would always find ways to be late for trainings. That was how I expressed my dissatisfaction when I was forced to learn piano and taekwondo at the age of six. I hated piano, taekwondo and even my mum. Sometimes, I would even cry when I was playing the piano.

Listening to sentimental songs magically created a sense of fondness for music. I started to have feelings towards music and would sing along. It was then when i began to spend more time practicing piano. I would go to the piano during my free time, sit down and practice for hours. I could play very well, but my piano teacher said that i couldn't feel the music. "What feeling?" "Don't I have feeling?" I wondered for quite some time.

Since one of my friends introduced me a Korean drama series, I started to follow more. Whenever I watched a melancholic movie, I could feel the pain and suffering. Was that the feeling I was looking for? Then, I started playing the "Funeral March". In my mind was a scene of people attending a funeral, crying bitterly and mourning the lost of their loved ones. The gloomy, sombre scene had captivated me. Indeed, the pain and grief struck my heart as if I had lost my beloved.

The fact that I was forced to learn piano had given me an opportunity to play duets with my sister. Dueting with my sister ought to be an easy task as we live together and have plenty of time to practice. But every practice turned out to be a disaster. We would end up blaming each other for our fingers clashed, our legs fought for the pedal and the entire song was out of rhythm. I was annoyed. Finally, I suggested that we should discussed on the problems instead of carrying on with the fightings. We reached a compromise deciding that who would play the clashing notes and who would do the pedaling. Besides that, I was initiated to learn her part as well so that we would be synchronized. Having all the problems solved, we performed a great piece during our annual concert. Knowing and capable of suiting other people's part with yours is essential when working as a team.

I used to be a person who is fear of losing. Losing to someone younger than me would made me felt embarrassed. I had participated in a few taekwondo competitions since I joined Taekwondo Club during my high school. I won a medal in my first competition but I lost to a junior. My second competition was worse. I not only did not win, but also lost to a junior. I was dissatisfied and furious. The egotism in me had driven me to revise my technique, correct my mistakes and train more vigorously. This year, I participated in my third competition. Although I lost, I was satisfied. At one moment during my second round, I wanted to give up due to the difficulty in breathing as my opponent accidentally kicked at my neck. When I recalled how spirited and determined other opponents were to continue their round even though they had sprained their ankles and had bruises all over their legs, I told myself that I would also be able to make it to the end and I did make it. I realized that winning or losing is not a matter as long as I was spirited. Not all winners will be awed, but all spirited people will be awed.

Twelve years passed like a lightning bolt. The fondness for music and taekwondo came along miraculously with the passage of time. The hatred towards music and taekwondo had turned into passion. I would eagerly attend trainings by any means and learn new songs on my own. The thought of learning piano and taekwondo would not have crossed my mind if it was not my mum who forced to me learn them when I was young.The future is unpredictable. Things happen, feelings came along magically and certain events change us. This is what we called life. Life would be monotonous if everything remains the same.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Dec 20, 2008   #2
You might want to put your opening sentences in the past tense. Also, I notice that you say you cannot pinpoint when you first started liking taekwondo and music, then you go on to tell us when you first started liking them, which seems sort of contradictory. Overall, I'd say the essay is a fairly standard, average application essay that needs editing for grammar. If you want an essay that will stand out, you will need to write using much more specific examples. For instance, at the moment, the best part of the essay is when you mention the Funeral March, and how you reacted to it. If the rest of your essay, or most of it, was that specific throughout, this would be a much stronger piece.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 20, 2008   #3
Since one of my friends introduced me a Korean drama series, I started to follow more. All the series i watched were either melancholic stories or a stories which involved wars, fightings or other turmoil.

Nice, I especially like this part, where you reflect:

"What feeling?" "Don't I have feeling?" I wondered for quite some time.

Hey, you had better go back and capitalize "I" and other words, like "Korean."

Good luck!!!
OP Sapphire 8 / 10  
Dec 21, 2008   #4
Thanks for the comments.

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