Any feedback is welcome. I could not make my paragraphs clear, so I highlighted the beginning of each paragraph in red. Thanks!
Peddlers lined the cracked roads, calling, "Chai! Chai! CHAI!" A man with emaciated arms and a single cloth around his waist slept on the ant-infested sidewalk. Schoolgirls wearing blue and white uniforms and folded braids walked at the edge of the roads, accustomed to the rampant traffic. Women on scooters covered their noses, mouths and hair with scarves in an attempt to avoid the ubiquitous pollution. A bell rang from a nearby temple indicating the start of a holy day. I was in India.
From the smell of burning incense to the humid, sweat-inducing weather, I love India. It is a shelter for the poor and a home for the rich, a bustling city and a rural village. To me, with its staggering contradictions, India is flawless. It combines the riches of the past with a progressive vision of the future. I was the outsider, indulging in the beauty of India. Growing up in the United States, how could I be exposed to the fervent celebrations of Diwali, when fireworks enliven the night sky, or Navarathri, when cities are decked in gold and silk? I needed to find a way.
I knew that way had to do with faith. However, learning prayers and mantras was not sufficient, because I was ignorant of their meaning. Music has allowed me to understand my religion. As I sing Carnatic music in praise of God, I am simultaneously nurturing my spirituality and satisfying my need for authentic culture. I am enriching my appreciation for art and religion by weaving stories of the divine in euphoric melodies. As I discovered the culture in my music, I realized that culture is more than art and religion, it is sewn into the very fabric of my origins: my family.
Emphasizing Indian beliefs , my close-knit family has espoused intimacy and trust as the bases of healthy relationships. Each member of my family has been a profound influence in the shaping of my personality, my goals, my faith. Urging me to succeed, my grandma has endeavored to provide me with the education she never had. Like an older sister, my cousin is my reliable confidante, who has been a fountain of trust. My commitment to be a role model is constantly reinforced by the admiration of my loving sister, while the love of my parents and their prayers for my happiness have been my guiding stars. My family has been indispensable to my development from an innocent girl to a confident young woman, eager to experience life's blessings.
With the growth of my understanding, concerning my culture, music, faith and family, I realize that, after all, I am not lacking anything. Like musical notes that compose a beautiful symphony, my music, my family and my faith are all components of the culture within me.
Wow. I really liked it, it provides a great insight as to how you feel about India. I like the descriptions, and your paragraphs are fine. I feel that something you could improve is your descriptions of your family. Maybe more detail? More clarity regarding which cousin, which sister?
Also, when you mention Diwali and Navrathri, make sure you clarify what they are. Most Indians will know what they are, but the admissions officers reading your essay may not. So maybe you could say, Navrathri, the festival of nine nights; or diwali, the festival of lights?
not lacking anything.
Neither is this essay. This is the kind of thing that we should not lay a finger on. When something comes up with this kind of rhythm, it surely has the energy of inspiration.
That means don't touch it!
However, you can prune it and trim it like Mr. Miyagi with a bonsai.
Mostly, though, you leave it alone.
