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Peer2Peer study group/My interests in transfering CommonApp Essays

fida10 3 / 6  
Feb 22, 2012   #1
I hope you enjoy reading critiquing my essays as much as I enjoyed writing them!

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

It was a chilly December night as the clock chimed 11pm, and what felt like the most important decision of my life approached its deadline. I took a solitary glance over the contents of my computer screen, with a sense of elation and prelude rushing through my mind. Nervousness briefly rattled my thoughts, but I pushed it aside as last-minute stress. With a deep breath, I hovered my cursor over the submit button, and in a single fluid stroke, I was pledged to an academic path that I knew little of.

As a first generation college student, progressing through applications was an impressive challenge. During my senior year, I began to familiarize myself with the application process, and learned more about college research. Through the internet and other resources, I managed to get a good grip on the basics. My family could offer little advice to me on this, however, and so I turned to school advisors for more intimate details. While the information they furnished proved beneficial, it was more general than specific to my major and interests. In the end, I applied to several colleges, based primarily on superfluous aspects. Though I received 3 acceptances, I felt that the bulk of my knowledge and intellect was unsatisfied, and that I was capable of doing better.

I entered the gates of City College at the dawn of fall, earnest but diffident. Equipped only with my knowledge of the surrounding cityscape, and the company of a few high school friends, I strode out to face this new endeavor. I explored the panorama of New York City, embraced newfound friends and peers, and marched eagerly into lecture halls, my bag laden with notebooks and pencils, all in the name of learning. But as time passed and winter snow replaced the autumn leaves, so too was my enthusiasm cooled and tarnished.

City College offers over a hundred majors, and a myriad of courses. And yet, concentration on Biomedical Engineering, my field of interest, is sparse. The program consists of a highly intuitive syllabus based around preparation for conventional industry work. Biomedical Engineering extends beyond a general syllabus, branching into specialized concentrations, such as cell and tissue engineering, bioimaging, biophotonics and drug delivery. Though the syllabus was rigorous, it left little room to expand into these specific areas, and deterred my intent to concentrate on tissue engineering and cell grafting.

The rigorous standards of British Curriculum high school left my mind swimming in books and theories. Since that time, I firmly believed college would bring out a pragmatic sense to education. Dreams of slicing away at the membrane of some unknown bacteria, creating LED displays from fluorescent microbes and even playing board games with living protozoa came to mind when I thought of college education. Sadly, it was not long before I discovered that undergraduate research was open to juniors and seniors only. Such opportunities were primarily tailored with prerequisites, either available only to specific concentrations or with enrollment restrictions. I felt intellectually trussed, bound from exploring the practicalities of my major.

As with many urban campuses, there is a lack of cohesion in the undergraduate body; the majority of students flow into and out of campus with the rising and setting sun. I am seeking a solid, unifying atmosphere, away from the machinations of careerism or the use of binoculars to locate professors in class. It should instigate an atmosphere which strives to nurture the growth of friendship and the pursuit of knowledge - a place I can call home.

One year later, I find myself in that familiar position before the computer screen. The clock chimes 11pm as a cool February day draws to a close. I glance down at my desk, now strewn with school reviews, student assessments and major requirement forms. Setting my cursor over the submit button, I click, assured of this choice as I enter a new chapter of my life.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I had learned from an early age that knowledge was not uniform. Many were prodigious in one topic, but weak in others. It seemed more efficient to pool together what we knew in a collective system, promoting student cohesion and better grades. To this end, I started a peer-based Chemistry tutoring group with a few friends, run by the students, for the students.

It began as an online forum on Facebook, an easy method of public communication. Other City College social networks and students helped us spread the word. I even asked my professors to announce it, amplifying its message. As its size increased, the group grew more self-sufficient and peer run. Soon, live Q&A sessions and study groups were complementing the online forums. Test grades and morale soared to new heights. The group allowed me to meet many new people, by helping them and being helped in turn. It was a wonderful experience, and I look forward to continuing Peer-2-Peer tutoring throughout my college tenure.

awaqar714 3 / 8  
Feb 23, 2012   #2
i think that you have a lot of run on sentenaces the question is why you want to transfer but you talking about cold night you on your computer just say what you have to say in the least amount efficiently and effectively
OP fida10 3 / 6  
Feb 25, 2012   #3
where exactly do I have run on sentences? could you be a little more specific?

and the introduction/conclusion were primarily to make the essay a little more interesting. please read it a little more thoroughly before rushing to any conclusions, the body of the essay clearly states the reasons of why I want to transfer.
dreamer 3 / 18  
Feb 26, 2012   #4

On your first essay:
It seems very well written! I like that you go into detail about the aspects of your current school, and not just state why you disliked it.

I would say that your second paragraph should resolve the anticipation and curiosity you aroused with your opening paragraph. It is such a well written paragraph, and I think it would flow better if you start off your second paragraph with an indication of what you were describing earlier on.

It might guide readers a little. :)

For your second essay:
I think you can create a stronger opening sentence with a personal flair to it. Perhaps start right away with "I started a peer-based Chemistry tutoring group with a few friends..."?

Just a suggestion!

Good luck! Love your writing!

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