It would be really helpful of you guys if you could give me feedbacks about my Penn supplemental essay. Here it is.
Prompt:How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? Please answer this question given the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying.
"Why don't you apply to UPenn? It's an Ivy League school and has stellar engineering programs."
I had reached that time of my after-High School phase when the pressure of my career and future, the success of other fellow students and my triggered self-esteem compressed me so hard that the sight of everything demotivated me. Fed up with this, I decided to go to my high school counsellor and he gave me a simple advice; how about UPenn.
Next place I went to was a café. Ordered a cappuccino, opened my laptop; I was set for a quest, which later turned out to be the best decision I had done in ages.
First sip of my coffee.
UPenn did have a stellar engineering college, I researched. It had various engineering majors, including the one I am most interested at; Mechanical Engineering. Mechanical Engineering abides you to excel at it; not just to manufacture any Boeing, but the Boeing 747-8, which matches a lot with UPenn. The School of Engineering and Applied Science isn't just a typical engineering college; it is filled with teachers and counsellors that guide the students in every step of their undergraduate college life, alumni that have contributed to the US and the world significantly through their intellectual research abilities and the students, despite being of different ethnicities, religions and sexual orientation, motivated to achieve the same goal: Leges sine moribus vanae.
Second sip.
I remembered about the time when we used to play football in bare paddy fields and sometimes, a huge shadow, with a droning voice, would pass by the field. I used to wonder how a massive object could fly over the sky to long destinations when I couldn't even jump two feet above the ground. I wished to be a pilot since my early days but as I grew up and became more mature, I realized that I didn't need to be comforted by such wishes; in fact, I could achieve my dreams if I poured all my abilities and intellect to what I am doing; relying on wishes isn't safe. Since then, the hunger of becoming an aspiring mechanical engineer has been growing which, I believe, would be satisfied if I graduate from UPenn with a universal degree in my hand; which I would utilize to contribute my research findings and knowledge to the growing and demanding mechanical sectors of the world.
Third sip; the coffee was getting sweeter.
The practical and learn-by-doing approach utilized in UPenn's classrooms would be immensely helpful for me. I come from a country where high school education is all about lecturing system and the teacher student interaction wouldn't be that great (if any). So, this positive change in my education system would further boost me to achieve great academics. Furthermore, UPenn is well renowned for its research prospective. I look forward to be involved in CURF and carry out my research processes regarding mechanical engineering; mechanical engineering is a highly technical course and one never knows when a simple research could change the face of the world completely. Adding to this, I would make full use of Mechanical Engineering and Applied Mechanics (MEAM) Design and Prototyping Laboratories, which will provide me with appropriate tools and resources, to quench my curiosity about machines. I believe the Weiss Tech House would build my interaction with fellow research minded students and turn our innovative ideas to reality.
I noticed that the more I drank my coffee, the sweeter it was. The reason was there were undissolved sugar cubes left in my cup. The situation was much like UPenn; the more I researched and wrote about this university, the more I adored it. At UPenn, I can nurture my interest in engineering and expand it to technical cum research engineering and beyond. I want to be the part of that coffee cup; I want to be the part of UPenn.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Pranish, set aside this essay for use as your response to "Why UPenn?" instead. That is the question that your overall essay responds to. The development of that response in this essay is clear, interesting, and highly relevant. So, while it cannot be used to respond to the question of how you will pursue your academic interests at UPenn, it will however, serve a purpose down the line as you complete your common app essays.
For this particular essay, you need to show a familiarity with the university beyond the regular information that you can garner through online research. You need to learn about the academic offerings and programs of the university in order to properly address the prompt. For example, if the university has an internship program abroad that you are interested in participating in, that would explain how you would pursue an academic interest while at the the university. An academic organization related to your major that you are keen to join would also be an appropriate representation of the task requirement. Even just being a frequent visitor to one of the many libraries on campus to research your favorite academic subject would be a fitting response to the question provided.
It is unfortunate that only paragraph 9 of this essay can be used to help you in writing a more targeted response. You will really have to write a new, more responsive essay that addresses the prompt in the proper manner. Upon closer review, it would seem that this is the only paragraph that has some relationship with the prompt requirement. In an effort to speed up your revision, I suggest that you take paragraph 9 and build a new essay around it.
