Just looking for a few suggestions on how to fix this one up. Thanks!
Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.
Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?
I sat nervously, my back straight and feet flat on the floor. I had been an official high school student for only ten minutes, but my stress level was already at a record level - my homeroom teacher had handed me about fifteen different handouts within the last ninety seconds. As we watched the "Welcome to State High" video, she passed out a sixteenth. Hesitant to read it at first, I noticed it was titled "Student Activities for 2006-2007" and decided to take a scan - my stress level plummeted. Always enjoying extracurricular activities, I soon perused the list to find activities that even slightly roused my interest. I proceeded to join three clubs of which I am still a member, and have enjoyed every moment of my involvement. I plan to continue my participation in out-of-classroom activities in college, hopeful that my extracurricular involvement at the University of Pennsylvania will allow me the same excitement as my high school activities.
The performing arts community at Penn offers a wide array of stimulating activities. The most appealing activity to me, however, is music. First beginning piano lessons at the age of six and being dubbed her "star" by my piano teacher, I jumped on the opportunity to join the school band in fourth grade, choosing the alto saxophone. I held my position as lead alto until I switched to the tenor saxophone during my final year of middle school. Suddenly able to view the saxophone from an unfamiliar perspective and consequently becoming more interested in the instrument, I found myself attending weekly practices for concert band, symphonic band, jazz band, and county band. Upon entering high school and shifting my focus to classical saxophone studies, I made the decision to be a member of the musical community in college as well. The Penn Wind Ensemble will allow me to further cultivate my classical saxophone skills as well as my ability to play in an ensemble. I will be able to use the skills I have attained through my previous nine years of saxophone studies to perform the diverse repertoire of music to my fullest potential. Additionally, its audition requirement will force me to maintain my skills at a competitive level and participate in other ensembles as well.
Another activity in the performing arts which interests me is Penn QuakeRaas. In a nation whose culture is rooted in diversity, I take every opportunity to celebrate my Indian culture. My first public dance performance was at the age of six at my local Indian community's annual Diwali function. After receiving encouragement and accolades from elders in my community, I was inspired to continue. I proceeded to perform every year, experimenting with a different dance form each year. In high school, I began performing for the Dandia on Fire national dance competition held by the Penn State Raas team. As soon as each performance ended, I began imagining how to make the next one even better. Before long, I made the decision to perform at these events at the collegiate level as well, this time competing on a university team. Penn QuakeRaas will give me the opportunity to interact with other Indian students who also enjoy dancing. My previous dance experience will allow me to exhibit my creativity in choreographing our routines and lead the team to victory. QuakeRaas will be one organization where I will be able to truly excel due to my strong attachment to my culture and my love for dancing.
Aside from the performing arts, I plan to be active in the West Philadelphia Tutoring Project, which will allow me to pursue my strong interest in community service in an underdeveloped academic setting. I have always felt that community service is the least I can do to serve my community, participating in community functions to benefit the Association for India's Development as a kindergartener and volunteering at the local hospital weekly as a senior in high school. Through my positions as a math club tutor and a tutor at Kumon Learning Center, I have spent hours of one-on-one time with these students - not only offering homework help, but also lending advice on personal difficulties. These activities provide me with ample experience to be a successful tutor in West Philadelphia schools. By maintaining a prosperous mentoring relationship, I will offer a disadvantaged adolescent the support necessary to achieve high grades, complete high school, and attend college - something often forfeited for drugs, crime, and poverty.
By remaining active in extracurricular organizations, my contribution to Penn will extend beyond traditional academic pursuits, transcending pencil and paper. As a member of the Wind Ensemble, I will interact with students sharing similar musical talents and impart my ideas in a fashion that will improve the group as a whole. By partaking in Penn QuakeRaas, I will encounter students who share my strong cultural values and thus be able to make a difference in Penn's Indian community. Finally, by mentoring inner city students from West Philadelphia schools, I will provide disadvantaged students with the support needed to launch a successful life. My participation in these activities will allow me to not only make a positive impact on the larger Penn community, but also continue the portion of my life that began when I received that sheet of paper ten minutes after the start of high school.
I like your essay, it is very well written.
First beginning piano lessons at the age of six and being dubbed her "star" by my piano teacher, I jumped onat the opportunity to join the school band in fourth grade, choosing the alto saxophone.
Other than that, good job!
Please read my UChicago essay!
No unnecessary words:
...my homeroom teacher had handed me about fifteen different handouts within the last ninety seconds.
Oh... actually, I think this whole thing will be better without that first paragrph. start with paragraph 2, because it answers the question so swiftly and captivates the reader. Paragraph 1 is fluff.
:-)
You can add a thesis statement to that para #2, a thesis that says performing arts are most important to you because of sax and Quakerass, and that you also want to get involved with tutoring.
Anyway, this is very good!
