Good time of the day dear readers. I need your opinion on how to make my essay better and I kind of need it as soon as possible! Please point out any grammar mistakes!
Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?
"Mother can I have a new computer?" this was the usual question that I have been asking my mother since I was young. At that age, a computer for me was just a source for fun. Growing up I came to realize that a computer could not be only used for amusement, it could be used for far distance communication, graphical design and, the most important, education. Choosing now a computer, I must take into consideration the fast progressing society, so as a result I would like to choose the most powerful and innovative computer ever built, I would like to choose the Penn Computer. Penn will grant me the opportunity of gaining the best education, while in the same time allowing me to communicate, admire high quality graphical pictures and get amused.
As any computer, Penn's entire system is built on its motherboard, in other words its campus. A small territory, 279 acres only, located in near the heart of Philadelphia, home for many national historic sites, a place where I will be able to enjoy different cultural offerings such as Franklin Institute or Philadelphia Museum of Art. A feature of the motherboard is that it has an integrated graphics card, which provides the beauty of Penn's campus. Its green lawns and gothic brick buildings covered with ivy combined with the Locust Walk and College Green build one of the most extraordinary pictures on Penn's monitor.
Another key component of the Penn computer would be its network adapter, a high speed connection device which provides interchangeability between a huge number of people through its extracurricular activities and volunteering opportunities. A place where I will have the opportunity to tutor youth, with the help of Penn's tutoring projects. In plus Penn is an ideal place where I can continue my favorite high school activity and to debate in Penn's Parliamentary Debate Team. A community where I believe I will find a superb source of the further development of my public speaking skills and knowledge in different social and political areas.
Penn, being a high end computer, must contain one of the best central processing units; this can be noticed in Penn's superb academic opportunities. As a world renowned elite educational community and a ground breaking research institution Penn will provide me with the chance to pursue my passion for Computer Engineering. During my research I found out the CE is a fresh major at Penn, as a result I will to do my best, study hard and help the professors in any way needed, for its further development. With Penn's research materials I will have the opportunity to design and build my own computer hardware and in the same time study and research in computer architecture and hardware security of computer networks. My attraction to Penn's engineering made me discover the fact that university offers 29 clubs and organizations for engineers, such as the University of Pennsylvania IEEE Student Branch, a place where I will be able to interact with electrical engineering and computer science and be a part of the world's largest professional association for the advancement in technology. Another engineering club that also attracted me towards Penn is Communitech, a group of students whose main goal is to help the society benefit from technology and ensure that they keep in touch with modern innovation.
Please give any feedback as soon as possible.
Thank you!
"Mother can I have a new computer?" - This is a good introduction, but maybe you should change it to highlight your juvenility, which would show how long you have been asking for a computer. Then the statement would nicely contrast with your more sophisticated writing. Only a suggestion.
Very nice transition from the computer theory to Penn.
"territory" - mabye try a different word?
"A place where I will have the opportunity to tutor youth, with the help of Penn's tutoring projects ."
-It would also sound a bit more impressive, if you research a specific tutoring project.
Computer Engineering (CE) . During my research I found out that CE is a fresh major at Penn
The last paragraph is good, because it nicely shows your knowledge of the school.
Choosing now a computer, I must take into consideration the fast progressing society, so as a result I would like to choose the most powerful and innovative computer ever built, I would like to choose the Penn Computer.
This part is just a bit confusion. I'm sure you could easily split it into two sentences.
As for the rest of it, I like the metaphor and the research done into the school. However, the conclusion is a bit weak. Maybe you could resummarize the computer aspect and end it on a powerful statement of why UPenn is for you.
