I'm applying to a really selective program at Penn based around Management & Technology; it only accepts 50 people a year, so I know my essays have to be really, really good. My main concern with what I've written is the ending - I'm not sure if enough people will "get it." I'm right at the word limit so I can't add anything without detracting from some part of the essay. Let me know what you think!
How will the Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technology help you pursue your specific interests in both engineering and business? Please address in depth specific engineering fields, areas of business, and their potential integration that you plan on pursuing through this Penn program. (400-650 words)
I walked into DuPont Building 700 for the first time with a demure smile on my face - but my inner feelings more resembled that emoji with a frontward-facing slash as its mouth. Eighty-something unfamiliar faces greeted my apprehensive eye; thoughts of "What am I doing here?" and "I know nothing about robots" bounced across my brain. I fumbled through the team cheer, listened to subteam presentations, and turned in a half-slip of paper with hastily written down subteam preferences at the end of the third meeting.
That building I first walked into as a sophomore with a jumble of doubts quickly transformed into a second home for the next three years of my life. As part of Team 365 - MOE and the larger FIRST Robotics community, I discovered the powers of coffee and pizza, the difference between swerve and mecanum drives, and how to rock our team's hallmark lime green. But most importantly, through both the Media team and the Computer Aided Design (CAD) team, I realized that success derives from both innovative engineering and successful management. Building 700 became a nest for both fields: through the Media team, I created business plans, streamlined our out-of-date website with its atrocious lime green text on a black background, and obtained crucial funding from sponsors. Through CAD, I began to dabble in the ropes of Solidworks, modeling prototypes that ensured smooth integration between each subteam. And when a particular design failed - a collector arm, for instance - I set to work with my teammates to innovate a new solution. Our robotics team rapidly became a well-oiled machine: fueled by the momentum of key business strategies to kick competition performance and STEM outreach into high gear.
Yet even as our team won awards like Entrepreneurship and Engineering Inspiration, battled through district competitions and World Championships, and garnered both sponsors and Twitter followers, one question lingered: what was I going to do after FIRST?
I know without a doubt that my experience at the crossroads of business and engineering is far from finished. FIRST was just the prelude; through the Jerome Fisher Program in Management & Technology, I can shape my story. The overlap between these two crucial fields continues to grow in size and importance - after all, the technologies of today are MOE's in and of themselves: Miracles of Engineering. Yet their success is interwoven with the phenomenal business strategies of their producers - Apple's household symbol, Microsoft's strategic merger with Nokia. I've seen firsthand the determination of FIRST students as they operate drill presses; I've heard the sharp gasps and raucous shouts as they anxiously await the score of a close match; I've felt the passion of creating something tangible out of knowledge that is intangible - and it is a passion I seek to share. Through M&T, I can develop a well-rounded mindset poised to innovate, engineer, and market a way to provide students with hands-on experience in STEM fields. A major in Systems Science and Engineering through SEAS will allow me to tackle systems much more complex than robots; yet at the same time, I can learn to develop novel ideas through classes like Management 235. With the tight-knit community of students within the program who share similar interests as well as the inspiring diversity of Penn as a whole, I can challenge myself to become an innovator, an adapter, and an entrepreneur. The tools I develop through both degrees can become a double-edged sword, ready to engineer the tangible future, and engineer the tactics necessary to make it a success. I need not sacrifice business or engineering.
Turns out, you can have your cake and eat it too - and even share some with the rest of the world.
Hannah, what you wrote is a background essay on your history as a robotics, business, and engineering inclined individual. What the essay is asking you to do is to write about your future plans in the various fields and explain how the specific programs, subjects taught, and the Penn state experience in general, can help you achieve this goals. So what you need to do is write about those plans, while creating the logical connection between the subject and plan. From there, you can work on presenting your dreams, hopes, and ambitions which you hope to achieve through the Penn State programs. There is also an importance in mentioning any specific community or college activity that ties on with these plans.
The ending of your essay works very well in my opinion. I understood what you are saying and what you want to do even though I am not an engineering major. However, the start of the essay needs to we adjusted to better suit the prompt and thus, increase your chances of catching the eye of the admissions officer. Remember, if the first part does not answer the prompt in the correct manner, you stand a huge chance that the admissions officer will not read the rest of the essay.
Thanks vangiespen! Btw, this is actually for the University of Pennsylvania, not Penn State.
I definitely felt that I didn't address the future as much as I could have - would you recommend me consolidating the first half about robotics to make room for a paragraph about future aspirations? I'm so tight to the word limit and robotics has been really integral to me in discovering what I want to do, so I don't want to leave it out.
From my research, I found this link: www . page217 . com/?p=883 (delete spaces), which states that "Successful applicants in the past have addressed these points utilizing examples of personal experience, such as concrete leadership, research, and academic involvement, or future goals, such as the connections or innovations they hope to explore between disciplines that touch management and technology."
Here is a rough revised draft - I thought I put a lot more passion and emotion in this time, so hopefully it comes through! I think it's more balanced as far as background and future go now.
Your essay was amazing! I honestly have little critiques.
In the second paragraph, I would probably delete the "but" before "most importantly" to make for a smoother transition.
In the fourth paragraph, what exactly is your story? I know you're talking about engineering/business, but the word seemed somewhat vague without much context.
I liked the many examples you used, but they can be a little overwhelming at times. Maybe go more in depth on one reason why the program is good for you to pursue your interests? Just a suggestion though, but I liked your essay as is.
Ending is memorable!
Good luck!
Thank you so much! :)
Hannah, while the instructions you found on the internet is correct. The instructions for school essay apps are written on a case to case basis. The topics and what you will be discussing within the paragraphs are dictate by the essay prompts. In this case the essay clearly points out that the admissions officer will not be concerned with your past accomplishments and academic achievements. The university is only interesting in learning how you hope their programs and subjects will help you achieve your future goals. That is why they are asking your discuss your future plans for your career in great detail. Review the following prompt that you previously posted and you will understand the reason why you have to revise you essay.
How will the Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technologyhelp you pursue your specific interests in both engineering and business? Please address in depth specific engineering fields, areas of business, and their potential integration that you plan on pursuing through this Penn program.
I have highlighted the portions that clearly refer to your future plans. Hence the need to revise the essay. If you can integrate a part of the past with more about the future plans, you should be on the way to properly answering the prompt :-)
Thanks! Does my revised draft mesh better with the prompt? (post #4)
Hannah, no, it does not mesh better with the prompt. You still failed to answer the prompt of the essay. I believe that you do not clearly understand the essay requirements. The university is not asking you about your past experiences with robotics and engineering, it is instead asking you to be a visionary who looks to your future goals and achievements. Discuss those career ambitions that you have and relate it to the programs and university offerings of the school you are applying to. The admissions officer wants to see if you carry the same vision as their school. So you need to think forward instead of backward in this essay.
Stop going back to the past. It is not relevant to the requirements of this paper. Focus on the future. Remember you are trying to prove that the Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technology can help you pursue your specific interests in both engineering and business. Are you already clear at this point that the school is asking about your future? Your past has nothing to do with their programs. Your past accomplishments do not explain nor do you relate them to the Jerome Fisher Program. So you cannot use that information for this essay. Talk about the future and how you plan to use the university programs to reach your future career goals instead.
The admissions officer needs to get an understanding of how you will apply yourself to your chosen major using their course curriculum and student opportunities for hands on training or future internships. So while it is admirable that you have accomplished so much in the past, what they need to learn about is who you plan to be in the future through the support of their academic mentoring.
