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Penn State -- yourself, your experiences, or activities


chukszum /  
Jan 30, 2010   #1
Hello guys . please i need some help with my admission essay for psu, below is the prompt and essay. Please i also need to reduce it to 1200 characters .

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or high school record.

To understand where I come from as a student, it is important for me to explain the challenges I have gone through as a student and as a person, but it is also important to mention my achievements especially as a leader and volunteer. I moved to California from Nigeria two years ago. While I was in Nigeria I was an indifferent student just another student and one in the crowd. Now that I have realized the importance to standout amongst the crowd I am tremendously motivated to succeed as petroleum engineer.

Two years before my graduation, I had completely lost interest in academics. My perception towards education changed terribly. Throughout the entire 2004 academic session I can clearly count the number of days I attended classes. Despite my parent's financial condition, I continued to be least bothered about my life and never paid heed to the challenges my studies gave me.

Since I moved to California and started College. I have met lots of inspiring people such as my physics Instructor Kurt Crowder who dedicated his time to brush me up academically. Late in 2008 I joined the Rotary club. It exposed me to a lot of experience both academically and morally. I participated in various activities, like visiting the Homeless Prenatal Program, providing them with food and clothing. I also volunteered at the county hospital where I was able to provide care for the sick. In June 2010 I was appointed the Rotary Club treasurer for the district. This office has helped me increase my leadership and management skills.

With these experiences come an even better responsibility and confidence. I realized that success comes from determination and persistence. Now I know that with my past experiences I would not only succeed at Penn State, but also contribute enormously to the community.
marpals 5 / 20  
Jan 31, 2010   #2
To understand where I am coming from as a studentI come from as a student , it is important for me to explain about the challenges I have gone through as a student and as a person, but also the success I've had, especially as a leader and volunteer.But, it is also important to mention my achievements, especially as a leader and a volunteer.Two years ago I moved to California from Nigeriatwo years ago . While I was in Nigeria, I was an indifferent studentjust another student and one in the crowd .Now that I have realized the importance to stand out amongst the crowd, I am tremendously motivated to achieve my goals of becoming a petroleum engineer. Today I am tremendously motivated to succeed as petroleum engineer.

Two years before my graduation from secondary school , I had completely lost interest in my academics, totally forgetting the worth of education. My perception toward education was absolutely changed and I was more upto partying and gambling .I changed my prospective and started focusing more on irrelevant activities such as parting and gambling . Throughout the entire 2004 academic session, I can clearly count the number of timesdays I attended classes or even opened my book to study. Despite the financial hardship which the bad economy lead my parents into,my parents financial condition, I continued to be least bothered about my life and never paid heed to the challenges my studies gave me.
OP chukszum /  
Jan 31, 2010   #3
Thanks a lot Marpals for your help. i have made the corrections and also reduced my essay size. what do u think about it?
OP chukszum /  
Jan 31, 2010   #4
I am finding it hard to reduce this essay from 1800 to 1200 characters. Please i need help with this .
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 31, 2010   #5
Te first sentence is a lot of unnecessary stuff, I think. To understand where I come from as a student, it is important for me to explain the challenges I have gone through as a student and as a person, but it is also important to mention my achievements especially as a leader and volunteer. That gets rid of a lot of characters.

Start like this:
I moved to California from Nigeria two years ago, and __________ (add something here to make this sentence more substantial... to let the reader know why you are mentioning the move. I know you will explain it in the next sentence, but I think this first sentence should give a bit more explanation, too). While I was in...

Two years before my graduation, I had completely lost interest in academics. ------ why even tell them about this? Is it necessary to talk about it? What is the main idea of this essay, that is what you have to decide.

Whatever the main idea is, write about it in both the intro and conclusion. :-)

Also, make sure you use descriptive words in your thread titles at essayforum!
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 1, 2010   #6
I moved to California from Nigeria two years ago, convinced and determined to succeed. While I was in Nigeria I was an indifferent student just another student, and one of the crowd. Now I realize the importance of standing out from the crowd. I am tremendously motivated to succeed as a petroleum engineer.

Since I moved to California and started College, I have met lots of inspiring people...
With these experiences came a sense of responsibility and confidence.


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