Hi. This is my UC Personal Statement for prompt 1. The conclusion is pretty vague and unusual but I didn't know what else to write about. Please submit your ideas about how i should write my conclusion as well as an overall review.
Much Appreciated!
Regards~
My world has always been inside my mind. My outer self is portrayed openly to others, yet it hides my inner thoughts. I am a closed book filled of questions. However, as time moves forward, the answers to my questions are slowly being found.
I was born on the small island of Guam. Having no memories of my father, I grew up knowing I was raised only by my mother. When I was seven, I found out we had to move to California; I did not know why. I often asked my mother, "Why did we move here? What happened to my father?" She would only smile in return and say, "To bring you happiness." Although it took time, I finally understand what she meant. Being the first generation in my family to become a U.S. citizen was an opportunity for me. I was given the chance to gain untold prospects that neither my mother nor my previous generation has had. I did not know what I wanted to become but I wanted to fulfill my mother's words.
Later on, I had to stop pursuing my happiness because I was informed that my grandfather, who had cancer, had passed away. The death of my grandfather hit me hard. My life started going downhill. I started to become depress. I couldn't think straight and everything I did became a mess. My life seemed over. However, later on, I realized there are people with worse problems than mine. There are people who lived their life with agony such as permanent diseases. These people live through their life with a lot of pain that cannot be treated. I wanted to help them, but I did not know where to start.
A couple of years later, I was diagnosed with appendicitis. This was the second largest impact in my life. Being a young child, my only thoughts were, "I am a dead man." Fortunately, my life was saved by the hands of many doctors. Seeing the doctors who saved my life have helped revive my dream in becoming a doctor. I want to help save people's lives and improve their health. To me, helping a person's mind and emotions is more important than their physical body because I believe that most illnesses begin with depression.
As my life progresses, I realized that listening to people about their personal life and problems can heal their emotions. Letting out their angers and worries, made their mind more relieved and relaxed. I have always listened and tried my best to help the people around me. Hearing positive results is always good news, but this does not happen all the time. Sometimes, negative results would come and it pains me to not be able to help.
Born in a small place and now living in a huge city, my mind has expanded. My mind is at a different level compared to when I was in Guam. I have seen more of the world than ever. Moving to California was a sign for me to see how much I've missed out. Now that my world has expanded, I feel more open to share my curious thoughts. My mind has become open to people.
Your story sounds very good, but i think you can change some things.
"Not having any memories of my father, I knew I was raised only by my mother" - I think you can reword that better
"I also had to move to California at the age of seven; I didn't know why" - You should get rid of the word "also" and change didn't to "did not"
'I cried to the world saying, why did God take him away. People told me that there are people who are in a worse state than I and told me to stop whining. I wanted to know who they were and see how their lives were worse than mine."- i think you can make the first sentence better , The second and third sentences seems kind of awkward.
"I realized that there were" - I realized that there are people with worse conditions than mine. Maybe you can make it sound better than what I wrote
"I thought the world kept hating me because couple years later"- I think you can reword that better
"I wanted to help save people's lives and improve their health"- wanted to "want' or I have always wanted to...
"To me, helping their mind and emotion is more important than their physical body because I believe illness that occurs in people's body is caused by their mentality such as depression." - comma after mentality
"I also have a lack of tolerance for blood and wounds so treating those problems would be a hassle for me."- delete also
Letting out their angers and worries made their mind more relieved and relaxed.- Comma after worries
I listened and tried my best to help- i have listened and tried my best to help them
It's good to hear positive results but that doesn't happen all the time- comma before but
negative results come in and it pains me to not being able to help. - being to be
Moving to California was a sign for me to see how much I've missed out- Comma after California
Overall really good story
