can anyone please help me look at this essay for UF, really\y appropriated!!!!!!!!
Topic:In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. Remember to keep within the 500-word maximum length.
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built"-Eleanor Roosevelt, this quote is always come to my mind when I encounter new experiences and challenges, and never fail help me go through it. I have been experience countless things in my life so far, some are not even worth mentioning, but some can literally change my life, which is happened two and a half years ago when my parents decided to moved to America from China, the transition is tremendous, from the other side of the earth and non-English speaking country come here start a new life. Even thought I have to literally learn everything new from the very beginning, English is my biggest obstacle to experience the new life at that time, unlike other foreign students need pass English test like TOEFL, and come here with the ability of at least basically communication, but all I knew about English at that time is ABC from China middle school, which at least helped me found the class room locations. The struggles of learn new languages and use that language learn new knowledge at the same time is indescribable. Even though that, my dream of pursuing career at medical field always keeps me working hard. Only I know how much time and energy I spent on extra work and learning English, and at the same time, I still keep good grades, take advanced classes, play at varsity soccer team, actively involved in school events and clubs. This experiences maybe torture and difficult, but it did not make me flinch, but on the opposite, it boosted my confident and leaderships. I believe practice make perfect, so I push my self to read in front of class when half of word I don't understand on the article and talk with people when I don't know what they saying, so now I can make speech without any hesitation and people won't notice unless I tell them I from China, I still remember how happy and pleased I am when I passed FCAT reading with 4 out of 5, hard work paid off. Maybe I am still experiencing this huge transition, but the result I gained from the experience would be a big help in my college life, where the place you need hard work and confident to show how good you really are.
eddies [Contributor]
25 / 1,208 
476 Hi,
Some notes I found after reading this writing:
I have been experience countless things in my life so far, some are not even worth mentioning, but some can literally change my life, which is happened two and a half years ago when my parents decided to moved to America from China, the transition is tremendous, from the other side of the earth and non-English speaking country come here start a new life.
What if you break it down into 2 sentences? If you have a long sentence, then it leads your reader(s) spend time to catch what it tells about
basically communication
Basic communication
.
which is happened
which happened
to moved to America from China
to move from America to China
helped me found the class room locations.
guide me to the classroom location
Only I know
Only do I know --- >
the inverted sentencestudents need pass
students need to pass
of learn
of learning
This experiences
The experience
Even thought
even though
practice make perfect
practice makes perfect
what they saying
what they are saying / what they say
I spent on extra work and learning English
I spent an extra work to learn/learing English
