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People knew me as the "shy girl"; PERSONAL QUALITY


naeisssss 2 / 1  
Oct 22, 2013   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? .

I came to America in 2002 with no education, no background information on the country, no idea how to speak the language, and absolutely no friends. I won't go into too much detail about that but I will say there were many challenging days and some unexpectedly beautiful days. From taking ELD classes for 6 years to taking my first AP class in high school, I knew I had come a long way from where I started. My family faced a lot of challenges as they decided to move to America. From my dad being disabled, my mom as a part time alteration lady, and constant financial problems. However, it was these challenges that provided me with the determination and dedication to work hard in school and have goals and dreams, one of which is to be the first in my family to attend College.

One of my biggest struggles in high school was trying to balance my social life and academics. People knew me as the "shy girl" who was afraid to talk I tried to overcome this problem by putting my fears aside and trying out for the basketball team. I fell in love with the game, and my second year of playing I made it to the Junior Varsity level! I will never forget how happy I was and how I built some of the closest friendships that I still have today. At the same time, I was also in a program called AVID(Advancement Via Individual Determination) and being in AVID not only gave me confidence in myself but also it gave me a reality check of what I should be doing in order to stay on top of my class and helped me set my goals and priorities through senior year. All my friends would come to me and ask me many questions about what I do to pass my classes or how I take my notes or if I can give them sources to research about colleges. Volunteering is one of my favorite things to do, every opportunity that I have come across I have participated in. I've been involved in The American Cancer Society's Relay for Life for the past 3 years. It is an event that helps raise money and awareness to save lives from cancer. Even though, I don't have any close family members that have had cancer, I truly love being a part of something special.

"In a world where there is so much to be done, I felt strongly impressed that there must be something for me to do." I believe and relate to the words of Dorothea Dix and I am looking forward to start a new chapter and journey in my life.

Est2k 5 / 9 1  
Oct 22, 2013   #2
For me, this essay does not in any way answer the question given. What about you being the 'shy girl'?
Ponder more on the question and try to make another one.

Just my suggestion.. :D
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Oct 22, 2013   #3
I came to America in 2002 with no education, no background information on the country, no idea how to speak the language, and absolutely no friends.

When you say that you had no education, I got a bit confused. You mean to say that you had never attended school before? Have you landed on US as an adult or an infant? All those questions naturally pop up in the reader's mind. So, either you should rephrase that part or be a bit more descriptive on that.

My family faced a lot of challenges as they decided to move to America.

This line is disturbing your flow... you should have taken this to the beginning. Now at this point, the reader's mind is set that you have come to the US and setteled....so don't go back again.
OP naeisssss 2 / 1  
Oct 22, 2013   #4
I was 7 years old when I came to America so I had to start school over from second grade so imagine how hard it was for me to catch up on everyones level. Thank you for reading this do you see anything you like about my essay? like if you were a college administrator officer would you accept me? My grades are good I have a 3.7 GPA and have done a lot of volunteer hours. My SAT is not really good


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