Hey, this is my extracurricular activity essay for the common App. It seems kind of boring to me and I feel like it doesn't really say much. Any help would be appreciated!
One Saturday meet, I was particually excited because it was my last race ever on my favorite course; therefore it was my last chance to beat my record. While waiting for my race, I goofed off with the team all morning. When it was time to warm up, two teammates and I went exploring in the trails around the course. After 30 minutes, we realized we were lost and then we saw a warning sign for alligators. Despite this, we all remained optimistic and actually joked about being attacked by alligators. We eventually got back just in time for the race. Just before it, we yelled our chant (a tradition I started) and that got everyone pumped up. The race was hard as expected but afterwards there was such a sense of relief and comradely that it was infectious. All of us on the team have our quirks but that is what makes the team such a dynamic place to be. That is really why I do cross country, it's not the running but the people that make it the best sport on campus.
i like the idea, and the story had parts that can be really emphasized and flavored to make it an engaging read. Perhaps if you start the story in the middle of the experience, like the in the intense moment of the chant. Then you could incorporate a flashback to everything that had happened that day, the exploration, the bonding with the other members, or perhaps even your feelings of regret on not getting back in time to sufficiently prepare yourself. And then go back to the present and say how you put all those things from your mind to concentrate solely on the race. Then move from the buildup to the race to the elation of winning and the thanks for everything that had happened and your teammates because they had gotten you where you are.
Really take this opportunity not only to answer the prompt, but to do so in an engaging way, by really showing an event, not telling it. You want to make the reader experience it so they remember it. You can take or leave my suggestions, but either way, I would recommend spicing up the story with some real interesting, sense-provoking adjectives to make the imagery sharper.
Hope I helped and good luck with everything!
A very relaxed and casual way of writing, I like it, but i'm not sure if that's what they want. For example, the parentheses. Also I believe you mean comraderie not comradely?