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The people and things that have occurred in my life, to shape me into the person I am today

flresmnc 1 / -  
Nov 24, 2018   #1
What was the environment in which you were raised? Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person.

I Have to write an essay when applying to colleges and the question above is my prompt

The butterfly effect

I've always been fascinated by the butterfly effect. The phenomenon states that a change as small as a butterfly can result in large changes in a later state. When thinking back to the people and things that have occurred in my life, to shape me into the person I am today, I came across many butterfly's. Like everything else, it all begins at home. From our manners to the way we carry ourselves. Then when we grow to a certain age where we must attend school, we come across amazing people that dedicate their time to, in a way, help raise the generation of the future.

I was raised in a traditional, caring and supportive environment. My parents have always been there for my siblings and I through everything we have decided to do. When I was in middle school, I joined the basketball team. I had never played a sport before and was eager to begin practice as soon as I made the team. After the first two terrible weeks I remember going home from practice more determined than ever to quit. When my dad arrived from home, I decided to tell him, and what he said afterwards I would carry with me whenever making important decisions. From that day on I learned that not only should I not quit when things get hard but instead finish something, I commit myself to. That day he didn't let me quit, instead he said that if he were to let me quit, I would go on with my life thinking it was okay for me to start something and not follow through once I've already committed myself. I ended up playing varsity, or team A as they called it, for two years. Now everything I set my mind to I must make sure I make sure to give it my everything and follow through. I'm a person of my word and when I commit myself to something, I make sure it gets done.

One of my passions is art, I can date back my love for art as far as to elementary school. My school at the time dedicated an hour of the day for electives. The classes ranged from music to gym class. Once a week I went to art class. As a ten-year-old I didn't know I can create something worthy of being displayed in a place other than my school's hallway. The teacher Mr. Messimer would always encourage us to do our best in everything we created. One day we created a monster out of clay, and when I finished mine, he asked my mom if it could be submitted in an art competition. My little sculpture won and was displayed at an art museum. My parents took me to see it and the moment my ten-year-old self laid eyes on it, the feeling of accomplishment overflowed me. I felt as if I could somehow create something that people other than my mother thought was good. My art teacher helped me build confidence towards into everything I create. Whenever anyone in class would make a mistake in whatever they were making, instead of allowing them to start all over my teacher would them to try and make something out of it. To this day not only has my character changed but my passions have evolved. If it wouldn't have been for the good and the bad that has occurred in my life, I would be the person I am today.

varunsingh2695 2 / 3  
Nov 24, 2018   #2
" When thinking back to ..." this sentence doesn't make much sense. You could instead write- " when I think back now about the people and the things that came across in my life, and shaped me into the person I am today, I realize that I had many butterflies/butterfly effects)"

I would suggest that you use the "Grammarly" app or anything else to remove the grammatical or punctuation errors in writing.

You could talk in more detail about where you're from, maybe something that you didn't like and you worked to change.

Good luck!
Holt - / 7,546 2001  
Nov 25, 2018   #3
Monica, you should not use Grammarly to proof read your essay. It stores your essay in a database for future comparisons with other essays. If your application is run through a plagiarism checker for originality purposes, the work could come back as plagiarized and end your application process as the university. Do not use Grammarly for any reason. Use the bundled software grammar checker with your document program instead. That does not store your essay anywhere so you will not have any plagiarism problems (should any arise) in the future with your college applications.

Now, as for the content of your essay. It will be better if you choose just one topic to discuss in the essay so that you can fully develop the presentation of how the person or activity in the community helped shaped who you are today. By using 2 topics, I found that I did not really get to know you very well. You were not able to properly discuss how each chosen subject had helped you develop your personality. I am guessing that is because you are using two subjects for the discussion instead of just one.

Choose to present the subject that you feel will best allow you to describe how you developed into the person you are today. I think your father helped you do that more that your art classes did. So you should consider a full discussion of your family background instead. This time, involve your mother and your siblings if you wish. They are after all, the foundation by which your character, conduct, interests, and personal values stemmed from. These are the traits that the reviewer hopes to learn more about as well through this given prompt.

Don't confuse the essay presentation. Focus on the strongest suit that will help increase the interest in your application. Don't use 2 topics when one topic will more than suffice to respond to the question.
vtuvawm 2 / 4 1  
Nov 25, 2018   #4
I suggest you focus on either basketball or art and not both for your second two paragraphs. That way, you can provide the reader with a personal anecdote in the first paragraph and relate it back to your personality now in the second paragraph, showing a butterfly effect.

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