This is the first time I write an application essay. I know that it still has many errors, especially using vocabulary. That's why I really really need your help. The deadline is coming very close. Please check it and give me advices to improve it. Thanks a million everybody.
Prompt:
Please respond to the following prompt in 300-500 words.
As a Christian university, Pepperdine believes education is a privilege that ideally evokes a sense of global responsibility. Drawing upon your knowledge of current and historical events, your analysis of literary works, or the experiences of your own life, how do you envision your role as a global citizen?Have you ever heard about Vietnam? A war land. A poor nation. Or a backward Asian country. Whatever you think of, she is always my dear Mom.
Since I was a kid, I have been taught that my hometown - Vietnam is a poor land lying on the Indochina Peninsula in Southeast Asia. However, I know my country is economically poor, not culturally poor. I observed how skillfully a craftsman finishing his lacquer painting, tasted the delicious flavor of "banh xeo", "banh cuon" - idyllic dishes. I'm happy that my homeland has a wonderful culture covering in unique products; but I can't help being sad because that essence doesn't have a chance to display in the world. At the age of 13, I hold a desire of doing something to support my country products which have been grown up with me and formed me as now.
When I was 14, I "met" a man who gave me a turning-point of my life.You may wonder why I put "met" into quoting marks. It's because that he just appeared on TV in a New Year's Eve talkshow. He is Dang Le Nguyen Vu, head of the well- known coffee chain Trung Nguyen, who didn't mind competing against Starbucks, whose franchises are present inThailand, Singapore, Malaysia, Japan, China, Germany and the US. However, at that moment, when I heard what he was saying, I felt as if he wasn't a businessman, but a friend in front of me conversing closely with me. He truly talked about his childhood dream, his passion of showing Vietnam's esssence to the world, and his belief in us - the youth, the next generation of this land. While many adults complainted about snobbishness in a part of us, he believed that we would certainly make our predecessor proud.
"Because the world's becoming a big village, wherever you are, wherever you study is no longer a matter. Why do people concern about the brain drain? The youth, they are young, they are dynamic and energetic, so they have the right to explore the world as they want. Students! As long as your heart are here, just go, you will also contribute to this land, even greater than us. " During that conversation, he repeated Vietnam as a member of globalization, and young people as global citizens... My siblings and I were deeply truly touched about that.
If you were me, you would understand how those words were significant to me. Even our teachers hadn't told us like that. I had been seeking myself, seeking my dream, seeking my courage for a long long time. It was the first time I had a strong faith in myself, in my future, in my life. Now I understand that these days, distance has no meaning, and dreams and passions have no limit. If people say Mr.Dang is a living example of the resilience of the American dream, I say I will be an example of Vietnam dream one day. Because my dream is to be a professional PR, I will follow his steps in some ways, introducing the essences of Vietnam to the world, connecting my homeland to other nations, doing the mission as a global citizen. It may be extremely challenging I know, but I absolutely I can do it if I am trained and educated in an academic and advanced enviroment. I desire, hanker and yearn with all my heart to learn, to explore the world in a worderful academic enviroment as US unversities, especially in a friendly campus like Pepperdine's. I usually have restless nights thinking seriously about the first project I will do after graduation. Perharps you think it impossible or something like that, I want to challenge myself by the project introducing my university to at least 5 milions Vietnam students, in the position of a graduated student. Because dreams are free, I am doing my best to make it come true. Writing this essay is my first step to reach the top. That day's not so far.
Here are some grammatical fixes for the first paragraph to get you started on the revision process:
"I have been taught that my homeland, Vietnam, is a poor land lying on the Indochina Peninsula in Southeast Asia." The inclusion of the details about Vietnam's geography weakens the "However" you use in the next sentence, which refers back to the poorness of the land, a quality that your current sentence does not initially emphasize.
"However, I know my country is only economically poor, not culturally poor"
"I'm happy that my homeland has a wonderful culture replete with unique products"
"I can't help being sad because that essence is not fully displayed to the world"
"At the age of 13, I desired to do something to support my country's products, products with which I grew up."
Wow, I love it! the way you write is succinct and powerful. You know how to tell a story well! There are spelling errors, etc., but you have a special way of writing that makes it very good, as long as you clean up the little errors.
Now I understand that these days, distance has no meaning, and dreams and passions have no limit. If people say Mr. Dang is a living example of the resilience of the American dream, I say I will be an example of Vietnam dream one day.
environment . I desire, hanker and yearn with all my heart to learn, to explore the world in a wonderful academic environment as US unversities, especially in a friendly campus like Pepperdine's.
I truly deeply appreciate your help... Thanks a lot !
I was so careless when not checking all spelling errors. So silly I was ! If you can find any more errors, in grammar, patterns, structure or using words, please tell me. Because I love this uni very much, I hope this essay can be impressive and touched enough. Thanks in advance.
