Hi guys, I'm applying for this fall transfer application in UW-Madison, this is my essay and please comment as much you want and as honest as you can be thank you.
Topic: Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.
If time ever rewinds itself again, I will never hesitate to pen down the same association again in my high school co-curriculum application forms - Scouting. Primitively, I always perceive the grass was greener on the other side as my peers are able to enjoy leisure activities everyday while I was tossed into a bonfire whereby everything happens based on my own judgment, reasoning and critical thinking. Now, if it was not for scouting, I will never learn the meaning of "Suck it up and deal with it" and realize how fragile modern kids nowadays.
I was an obnoxious and snotty little brat, isolating myself in my ideal pixelated world of computer games for the first 13 years of my life. Little did I know, being spoon fed and always presume I can get anything I want attitude did not benefit me when I assign as a leader of 6 other brats at the age of 14, struggling to thrive against the cruel reality of this world.
I remember the countless times I was screwed by my instructor, reciting his famous quote "Get the hell out of here!", regardless how frequent it happened, I remember how these words always never fail to shaken my heart and literally moved my from inside the camp to the bus stand outside. Nevertheless, my thirst for knowledge and improvement grew independently as I only strive to fix myself in terms of organization skills, leading a team, the ability to communicate well and even to deal with different kinds of people from different background.
Even now as a scoutmaster, I witness parents still bring a change of clothes every day in camp for their children and some even "protect" their child by storming into the school office because of the load of homework assigned to their child, citing parents saying of "I want to protect my child from the harsh realm of this world" instead of signing them up for self-development and organization skills workshops, public speaking assessment etc
.
Thus, I feel the environment today only harm the children by delaying the inevitable but should enforce and teach what they will face in this cruel world. It is better to fail now than later as they will only grow up as adults that work with minimum wages because it is their habit to listen to what the higher-ups says instead of being intuitively active. Therefore, I feel that the ability to bug for knowledge are overlooked in how the way children are brought up today and it is my will to continue as a scoutmaster to teach these hardships to them.
Overall, the tone of the essay is unlikely to resonate well with the person who will be reviewing. It comes across as obnoxious and over-bearing. While I believe I understand the underlying message (teaching children the importance of respect, values, hard work, appreciation, etc. in a world that caters to and babies versus assists in teaching maturity), the importance of the message is lost in the paragraphs of urban words and phrases. Further, it doesn't fit the initial prompt: Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.
I recommend starting over. If scouting is what is important to you, focus on why it is important and what positive attributes YOU have to offer those under your supervision. In its current form, the essay isn't what one would expect from a potential transfer student and will be unlikely to prompt an acceptance. At the very least, it will make the reviewer examine his/her own parenting--but not from the view you intend. Instead, they are likely to question and hope their own child's athletic (or other) supervisor/counselor isn't calling their child a brat behind their back.
