TOPIC: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
I wrote two versions essay for this topic. One is about my percussion playing experience, the other one is about my drama club. I really need help to revise and tell me which one is much better.
Version One.
My percussion group which is formed by six performers who are devoted to music, was initiated by me, a marimba player. It's not a group merely based on the same love for percussion instruments but on an idea that music is the most vivid representation of culture. Hence, I didn't only improve playing skills or enjoy the music we played but actually sensed the culture while playing pieces from different countries and different times. While playing a percussion concerto called "Silk Way", my fellows and I were the Chinese merchants leading a herd of camels carrying cargos; I heard bells jingling and winds roaring; I experienced the loneliness of traveling through the vast arid desert. As the Chief of percussion group, I trained my crews how to be part of the music. I described the scene I sensed from the music then discussed it with them. While playing "Gitano", a piece of gypsy style music with strong beats, I told them to reflect on Esmeralda's dancing in the Hunchback of Notre Dame. They agreed with me and we all became drummers playing for Esmeralda, surrounded by audiences who were attracted by her passionate and vigorous dancing steps. Sharing the similar belief, my fellows and I were time travelers, traveling between space and time produced by music. Because my spirit worked in the group, it finally became where I truly belong to.
Version Two.
During my junior high years I directed my first modern stage drama - Junior High School Musical, a tribute to the famous American Movie High School Musical. As a total different approach from other drama groups at my junior high where they focused more on the traditional fairytale direction, I deemed my choiceindicated more creativity and original thinking, though my initiation was considered as controversial. Challenges were faced and confronted by the show was a blast. All my peers devoted themselves within found a sense of sympathy by sharing, collaborating and harvesting the unforgettable and magical experience during the production of the play. Personally the experience enhanced my ability in organizational management and promotion, as well as a strong taste of happiness was delivered towards my inner self.
I prefer version one with more details. What do you think? Thanks a lot!
My percussion group , which is formed by six performers who are devoted to music, was initiated
It'sIt is not a group merely
I didn't did not
As the Chief principal of percussion group, I trained my crewscrew how to be part
it finally became where I truly belong todo not end the sentence with a preposition .
I like the imagery especially when imagining yourself as traveling through the desert. I also like version one better; your personality shines through.
i think the first is better. however, you still need to edit it quite a bit. the first sentence could definitely be improved. the ideas are good, but try to be a little more organized with how you present them because i feel like you are all over the place with your examples. or what you can do, is be general about all your examples and go into more detail with the Gytana one and possibly another one. hope this helps!
Thank you so much. I always felt this short answer lacking something, but I didn't know what it is exactly.
I need to go more details on how I present my images is more important, to make it more personal, is it?
