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'Perfect' American college": Colgate supplement, 200 words

thenewdude 13 / 59  
Jan 15, 2014   #1
Hey guys!
Below is my response to Colgate's prompt: What inspired you to apply to Colgate? (150-200) words.
It is due in a few hours, so please critique ASAP. As always, I will review your essay in return.

(The essay is 227 words long. Any suggestions to trim it?)

When I began my search for the 'perfect' American college, I was looking for an institution that offers intense academic rigor, substantial financial aid and challenging international experience. This is when I came across Colgate - from a host of internships to semester abroad programs, from state-of-the-art research facilities to plentiful extracurricular activities, Colgate has everything I have ever wanted from a holistic college experience.

I believe in the power of community involvement to counter our environmental travails, and plan to major in Environmental Studies and Educational Studies. The opportunity to travel to the University of Wollongong in Australia and interact with people from various cultures, to conduct collaborative graduate-level research in current environmental issues (ENST 390), and to build relationships with alumni through the "Colgate Connections" program would let me gain comprehensive understanding of real-world issues. I am also drawn to the unique 'Global Leaders at Colgate' series of lectures, as these would allow one to interact closely with world leaders and learn about how they overcome obstacles daily to deliver results time after time.

The touching Hindi poem by Harivanshrai Bachchan urges its readers to endeavor relentlessly, to never run away from the battlefield, as this is the only way to guarantee success. I hope that with utmost dedication and hard work, I will be able to realize my American Dream at Colgate.

grey_form 1 / 5 1  
Jan 15, 2014   #2
You can definitely shorten the first paragraph. Simple statement like "Colgate attracts me with its rigorous ..." is fine.
Admission Officers are not very likely to be impressed by these general things in whatever way you put them.

Besides, I am not sure what the "touching Hindi poem" is, but if it has significant meaning, put it at the beginning of your essay to catch the reader's attention. If it is about perseverance, you can relate it to your never-giving-up and chanllenge-seeking personality, which matches you to the rigorous curriculum at Colgate.

Best luck on the revision and all your applications!

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