I finished my draft for the Common Application Essay recently. Since it asks for an essay that will showcase your individuality, I opted for an unusual topic.
Please help me edit my essay.
The Perfect Girl is no dream, no illusion. Rather, she is the embodiment of desire and fantasy, the ultimate reality. For every girl we see, we recognize our beloved in bits and pieces. It may be the shy glance, the sensual touch, or those enticing words that pour from her essence ; in it all we see a bit of the beauty we long for, yet which we cannot possess. And thus we continue to seek and to search, continuously, and evermore . Yet the more we look, the farther we stray, and the greater the yearning.
To say that she does not exist is to be ignorant of her subtlety, for she is the standard from which all comparisons are made. Satisfaction then, is nothing, but a compromise, between the impossible and the possible. Nothing but a pause from the eternity we cannot hold, to the reality that holds us.
What then is perfection? For me, she is a renaissance woman in ability and a nymph in personality. To have a curious and provocative mind, an encompassing intellect, wide range of interest, and above all, a logical mind set. That is, not to mention, the ability to succeed in any area where she so desires. Neither art nor science presents any challenge to such a talented individual. Whether it is singing, writing, dancing, or reading, learning, and thinking, she embraces each form and possesses a considerable degree of proficiency in all.
Yet to describe her personally will be like describing a nymph. She is the maiden of the forest and the companion of the rivers. Endlessly joyful, yet strangely enigmatic. She radiates mystery and a rebellious nature. A willful individual, she detests the mainstream, choosing instead to frolic in her own dreams. An idealist in thought, a pragmatist in action. She encompasses the two desires of man. She may approach with her own willful actions, yet at times may seem to withdraw into the depths of her mind. Alluring but strangely ambiguous, she presents herself as a challenge to all who dare face the thick foliage of the jungle to penetrate into her depths.
Once found and wooed, she is the perfect companion. Intuitive in detecting sorrow, instrumental in keeping joy and soothing spirits; she is a candle radiating warmth and laughter in the cruelest nights. Whether your journey brings you to the ends of the earth or not, she remains by your side, always curious, always exploring. Providing fresh insights and new perspectives in most situations, her presence is never boring, but always desired. You feel lost in her soft radiance, her ability to bring you from the depths of the city to the heart of the wild on the bridge of imagination.
Nevertheless, at her core, she is never truly tamed. Her wild nature will occasionally peek out with playful naughtiness. At times like this it is best to be prepared, for her deeds and actions will once more revert to random chaos, the personification of her own fantasies. Yet, this can only add to her desirability, as this unpredictable and naughty streak only serves to heighten excitement amidst her ordered chaos.
Yet like all perfect creatures, she is only an ideal. Her presence is something that is only felt on those wild windy days of abandon. A brief uplifting transportation into the realm of dreams until the winds should die and leave nothing but a faint fragrance, a corner in memory that never dies. And for all that remains, we are once more left in this cruel, cruel world. A reminder of the brevity of our own desires, and by extension, our own lives. Perhaps, an ideal, is just that, an ideal. To be desired and to be dreamed on. At the end, it is once more up to us to glance downward, away from the heavens, into the road that stretches ever onward.
Thanks in advance for any comments and suggestions!
You showcase your writing abilities here more than YOUR individuality. What I am missing is to learn more about YOU (versus the "perfect girl" in third person pronouns.) It reads as if you are writing about your definition of the perfect girl. Is that your intention?
For a moment, just put the essay aside and write about how this essay relates to YOU, what is most meaningful in all of it for YOU. Then we can get some context and story to put it in your writing.
I understand your concerns. But I somehow feel that by describing what I want to see in an individual, it will also by extension describe me as a person.
Because it can be argued a person is an individual through his desires. I basically want to show an unique and perhaps unusual essay in the hope of catching the admission officials attention. God knows that they read enough essays already.
Is it TOO unusual to pass? It seemed better to go for an all or bust rather than an in between.
Any advice on this? Whether this essay is too extreme?
I like this a lot:
To say that she does not exist is to be ignorant of her subtlety, for she is the standard from which all comparisons are made.
here is an idea:
To say that she does not exist is to be ignorant of her subtlety, for she is exists as the standard from which all comparisons are made.
You are a fantastic writer. I want to tell you, though, that this essay can seem to objectify women. Also, nymph is associated with sexuality in a way that I think you do not intend. It might be better to use a different word.
Also, I want to challenge you to change the concept of girl to the concept of "companion" or "lover" because it is ... well... you can have such powerful writing, but if you write in a way that is directed toward a male OR female reader, that will be more respectful to the reader.
Know what I mean?
You write well, and it reminds me of the work of Kahlil Gibran.
Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/
Others are to say that your work is excellent, and yes, it is exceeding. And yet to look back, I do not see how your personality is pointed out, how your individuality is showcased in such a composition. You have written well, my friend, but simply not well enough to lend your personality, your makings, your individuality, your characteristics, into the composition. There the question still remains--and whether you get into the college is judged only from your final version of the essay.
Aside from the fact I agree with everyone else here that this essay doesn't answer the prompt and says nothing about you or your individuality, I'll go a step further and say that it doesn't say much of anything at all.
It just seems like you're using a bunch of overly descriptive, enigmatic language to say a whole lot of nothing. I understand that you're trying to describe what, to you, would be 'the perfect girl', or even just the ideal of one, but it comes off like you're trying too hard to be profound and just ends up feeling hollow.
The whole way through it doesn't even seem like you're describing a person, just a bunch of abstract thoughts or ideas. She is everything and nothing, light and dark, up and down, blah blah blah fortune cookie. Ill just use this little excerpt as an example:
"An idealist in thought, a pragmatist in action. She encompasses the two desires of man.[uhh, what???] She may approach with her own willful actions, yet at times may seem to withdraw into the depths of her mind .[what does this even mean?] Alluring but strangely ambiguous, she presents herself as a challenge to all who dare face the thick foliage of the jungle to penetrate into her depths. " [crappy metaphor, adds nothing, and I still have no idea what you mean]
The whole thing is completely incoherent. Although the language is pretty I guess, it's all just so needlessly complicated that it bleeds together and loses any meaning. I've read this quite a few times now and still can't get any sense for what you're trying to say. You could benefit a lot from reading Elements Of Style, because you seem to be pretty good with words, just not the ideas behind them. In the future, try to look at each paragraph of your essay and ask yourself, "what's the main point I'm trying to make with this paragraph?" and then, at the end, look at your whole essay and ask, "do all of these paragraphs contribute to the main idea of the essay?" and that should help. But until then my recommendation would be to scrap this essay altogether and pick a new topic where you can be more coherent.
The Perfect Girl is no dream, no illusion.
that part was great but the reast was like blah blah blah blah you have to write more feeling or it will not say much
The most common trap that everyone falls for is the use of "...that brings out your individuality" in an essay prompt. Ive read people rambling on and on about how trying to make a 10 foot castle out of Jello points to their strong personality while writing an engineering essay.
Also, The aim of such essays is NOT linguistic mastery (OK, it is but not more than lets say 25%) but rather opening a window in your soul for your readers.
Why don't you keep the first paragraph and by drawing parallels between you and that ideal girl reach to a conclusion that says "The ideal girl does indeed exist in me." I know saying IDEAL is self indulgent, so you can soften the corners of an otherwise hard-edged word "ideal" by saying that not ideal but the quest for that ultimate paragon of perfection is what differentiates me from others. That "QUEST" can be your "INDIVIDUALITY";Your traits that separate you from other people.
Here another idea: Play with the concept of the Philosophers Stone to prove your point.
Best of luck
