Here is my extracurricular essay for my Common Application
I am not a Native English speaker so feel free to correct spelling and grammar mistakes and anything else actually !
Thank you for your help :)
The first time I got on stage to perform a traditional Thai dance, hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief. I heard students laughing, others whispering. It didn't matter, I felt alive through my passion. This moment in time when mind flows with body in a uniform motion.
Dance has showed me how a single move can mean more than a protracted sprint. It has taught me to slip into somebody else's skin and see the world from a whole new perspective. Through my passion, I share what I was once taught and show the audience an important aspect of the Thai culture that is part of my life. Part of me.
Dance has held me fromïsleepovers, late mornings and much deserved sleep but I would not exchange it for anything. Dance is me.
I my view the essay is quite short. It lacks conclusion and intruduction
Thank for your opinion.
This is m extracurricular activity short answer, so yes it is quite short but that's how it supposed to be.
I would need reviews and insight on the writing and what you'd change if this were your essay.
Thanks
You could probably start with what you're going to write about - describing the purpose of the essay.
I think it's great! I love the short sentences, really makes it stand out.
Is it how extracurricular activity essay are supposed to be ? I didn't know I had to introduce the topic !
Thank you Angelica :)
Any other suggestions ?
Anyone ?
If it was my writing, I would rewrite "Dance has held me from sleepovers, late mornings and much deserved sleep but I would not exchange it for anything".
It is rather awkward and irrevelant when you suddenly transitioned from describing about a cultural dance you did to it helping you from sleepovers.
Also I got confused on what you were trying to tell me, perspective of cultural dancing or how dancing affects/is you. However, I enjoyed reading the rich details you added in your performance experiance. :D
Could you think of something that could link the fact that I am talking about cultural dancing on the one hand and how it affects me on the other ?
I would recommend that you find a specific part of cultural dancing that has affected you or a specific part that has affected you from cultural dancing. The ideas you want to express to the audience are broad. Give examples, such as the negative or positive response from students has helped you feel unique and special. :D ( My topic is similar to yours, read mine!)
You need to write a stronger/clearer thesis statement
'Traditional Thai dance' Extracurricular Activity essay. Help a French Applicant
Hi everyone,
I am just a few days away to sending my application to the colleges of my choice and my last black spot is my Extracurricular Activity essay. I've tried editing it over and over again and it lacks thesis statement ... Would you help me with my essay ? What would you do ?
Here it goes
The first time I got on stage to perform a traditional Thai dance, hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief. I heard students laughing, others whispering. It didn't matter, I felt alive through my passion. This moment in time when mind flows with body in a uniform motion.
Dance has showed me how a single move can mean more than a protracted sprint. It has taught me to slip into somebody else's skin and see the world from a whole new perspective. Through my passion, I share what I was once taught and show the audience an important aspect of a foreign culture that is part of my life. Part of me.
Dance has held me fromďlate mornings and much deserved sleep but I would not exchange it for anything. Dance is who I am.
Thank you
Hi
I can see your passion in this piece which is good!
Try the opening as below, I think it can be more of an attention graber.
Hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief. It was the first time I got on stage to perform a traditional Thai dance while I heard students laughing, others whispering.
And I think you'd better go more specific, I mean show something beyond your pure feelings. Maybe a contrast to your earlier failed performance? You still have like 250 characters to edit!!:)
Best luck with it!
By the way, would you like to see mine and give some advice? Find "Yangqin(Chinese dulcimer)" , a latest post in the forum.
Thank you I will edit my essay and take a look at yours
Anyone else ?
I think it better if you make it little longer.
