All feedback is appreciated, be harsh if you need to.
I have probably a few grammar mistakes so if you find any i would like to know about them!
"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"
I am not an expert musician myself, but I have found that, no matter the situation, there is always a song out there that, if played, would make it better. This belief was put to the test when, in the spring of junior year, my English teacher designed an event she called "American Poetry Idol". Essentially, students would walk up to a makeshift "stage" and recite personal poems. I had been chosen as the Master of Ceremonies, and my duties were to entertain the class and introduce people to the stage. Normally, this would have meant telling jokes and smiling as I called people up, but that seemed too simple and boring. I decided that I would do something people would remember for a long time, something better. I had been thinking about singing in public for a long time, but I had never actually been brave enough to do it.
Naturally, the song choice was very important, and, although I had a few options, I easily picked out Frank Sinatra's "My Way". To me, this song was more than just melody and lyrics. It was a statement of confidence, one which would allow me to be myself in front of all my classmates-not just those who knew me well. As I was walked up to the stage, I knew this would be a memorable moment; after all, I had a deep voice not unlike Sinatra's, and I had garnered enough confidence to pull it off. About one-third of the people in the classroom were recording me, and though it made me nervous initially, once I remembered what I was doing and why I was doing it, I was able to sing well and without forgetting any words. The applause that followed was a relief unlike any other I had experienced. Later that day, other people and teachers asked me to sing for them as well, and I realized I had finally found something I could do that other people enjoyed while still being myself.
On that day, I let go of my shyness, and welcomed my newfound tenacity with open arms. I believe that it was a turning point in my life, as ever since that moment I became comfortable speaking and presenting to large crowds, especially on the topics I consider myself knowledgeable about. I have even been told that I might go on to become a public speaker or politician one day, something that although I find improbable, is still encouraging to hear. All I know is that, like Frank said, I should never be afraid to face it all, stand tall, and just do it my way.
I am in a similar situation as you. I am writing my UC essays as well. I really enjoyed your essay. You responded to the prompt nicely, but I think you could add a little more emphasis on how the experience affected you. You have two paragraphs of background info and only one short one about how you were impacted by that event. If you beef up that part it would go a long way. You don't necessarily need to shorten the other paragraphs (unless the word limit restricts you), but the final paragraph could use a little more elaboration. For example you could discuss how it affects your career goals and other aspirations.
Also I thought the song quote at the end was a nice touch, but you might want to put it in quotation marks.
Overall good job and good luck.
Good use of a specific moment! I like that you are choosing such a specific point in time, because you can really go in depth with how you felt right then and there. That being said, I think you could focus more on yourself a little, like the above poster said. Go in depth with YOUR feelings.
I agree that the quote at the end should be in quotation marks, but that was a good way to tie up the essay.
