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"Perseverance"- UF Application Essay


ufgatorgrl15 1 / 1  
Aug 11, 2009   #1
This is my first draft, so please be critical and tell me of any errors, however small! I've always wanted to go to UF since I was little, so please help me if you can! I'm not sure where I should put the part about how it will affect my college experience, etc. because I think that last paragraph should be the final thing, but I'm open to any advice. Thanks in advance!

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

As stood on the football field in front of a stadium full of people, I confidently smiled and waited for the music to start. Every Friday, the dance team performs in front of the large football crowd during halftime and this week was no different. The music started and the team and I started dancing. Suddenly, the music scratched and the speakers whined as if they were screaming at us. I saw everyone in the crowd cover their ears almost simultaneously. This had never happened before and no one on the team had any idea of what to do, including me. The crowd started booing and laughing loudly. I turned around and realized some girls were still dancing, some were standing in the middle of a motion, and some were staring at me, wondering what to do.

I realized, as I looked at my fellow co-captain, that we had to do something. As captains, it was our job to lead the team, in good times and bad. I turned around slightly and shouted to my teammates to get into the starting positions and wait for my count. I got back in my position, in the front, and stood facing the crowd and smiled, again confidently. Inside, though, my stomach was in a knot and I felt as though I was going to be sick. But, I told myself I had to do this, not for me, but for the ten other girls on my team who were probably just as embarrassed as I was.

"5, 6, 7, 8", I shouted loudly enough for the music director to here so he could start the music again. As the crowd continued to laugh, we started dancing once again. After the performance finally ended, with a quiet applause from the stands, we walked off the field.

Though I was embarrassed in front of the entire school, if I was asked to take back and erase the moment, I wouldn't. Because of this event, I know that I can motivate myself to persevere through any difficult situation, at UF and in other instances in my lifetime, and lead others to do the same. I also understand now how to learn from my mistakes.

A few weeks later, my team and I stood in front of the bleachers, once again, but this time for a basketball game. The music started, and we started dancing. At about twenty seconds into the performance, the music stopped. But this time, after only a few moments of hesitation and before the crowd realized what had happened, we were in our starting positions waiting patiently to try again.

Word Count: 438
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 11, 2009   #2
I'd like to hear what other forum members think on this one. I'm not sure that this episode, however meaningful it felt to you, is large enough to support this essay. What happened, really? The music stopped and, as a co-captain ought to do, you counted to get the dancers going again. This is more like a story you'd tell friends or family than an example of a meaningful life experience. Or so it seems to me. Perhaps others feel differently.,
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 11, 2009   #3
This had never happened before and no one on the team had any idea of what to do, including me
^You already say that no one on the team. Readers can understand that this included you, therefore you do not have to state the obvious.

"5, 6, 7, 8", I shouted loudly enough for the music director to herehear so he could start the music again.

Because of this event, I know that I can motivate myself to persevere through any difficult situation,

^Any difficult situation? Sounds a bit exaggerated to me.

I also understand now how to learn from my mistakes.
^What mistakes did you make in that performance? This seems to be a bit of a random point...

*I doubt you have to include the last paragraph, because the essay prompt requires 'a meaningful experience' etc.

*Basically, from what I can gather, you can say that how this experience has taught you how to work in a team under non foreseen circumstances, and how you can take charge of this team and motivate them to work and deliver...

If you do decide to go with the card I have just laid out for you, please, dont come off as pretentious. Say it modestly.

Good luck x
OP ufgatorgrl15 1 / 1  
Aug 11, 2009   #4
Thanks for everyone's help so far.

EF_Simone: I can definitely see your point. Maybe I need to emphasize everything a little more or choose a larger, more meaningful event.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 11, 2009   #5
understand now how to learn from my mistakes.

You didn't make any mistakes though. The music stopping wasn't your fault.

The writing is ok. The experience not so much.


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