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Perseverance Innovate Achievements - Personal Statement to UC


shinji344 1 / 3  
Nov 18, 2009   #1
Hello everyone. Here's my pre-final draft for my college essay. I'd appreciate the feedback because it took me about 10 days to elaborate and write my thoughts (=

Q: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Perseverance Innovate Achievements

"When the song plays, each of you must dance in freestyle," said the Director. I was shaking in anxiety. I cannot dance. What am I going to do? Two years ago, I went to a singing audition for a recording studio. On that day I was restless. Within four hours I arranged two Acappellas but was not prepared for an impromptu dance. As I stood in front of the judges I barely moved my body nor did I retain eye contact with the camera. When it was my turn to sing they politely asked, "Do not be nervous. Just do the best you can." Suddenly I became tense; I had a hard time remembering the lyrics to my demo song. I doubted myself, so I considered auditioning for next year. But for three years, I sacrificed spending time with my family and friends in order to prepare for this audition. So I decided to give my best shot. Soon a clear, soothing voice came out of my mouth. To my surprise, the judges were in awe. They regarded my audition as "wonderful and distinctive." I told them that those words could not make me any happier. I was finally satisfied with my hard work. After several more auditions the judges announced the results. With a tense mind, it was difficult for me to remain calm. In a little while the judges told me and four other participants to step forward and the remaining five to stand back. The back row was immediately dismissed to go home. But for my row, the five of us were narrowed in placements of one to five. When the judge said my name I was quickly alarmed. I said, "Yes," in a heartbeat. She responded, "I'm sorry, but you did not make it to the final round. Try auditioning next year." Confused, I wondered why I was not accepted.

Because I was fifth place in the competition I did not qualify to become a trainee for the company. But in the future I know I will be a singer someday, since rejection will only make me stronger and work harder. Through the hard times I put in my effort to show my superiors what I am capable of doing. When I am not capable of reaching my goals, anger drives my motivation to reach for my ambitions. Day by day I evaluate my homework because my vocals need improvement. My friends say my voice is great; however listening to a great voice is not enough to overcome the best. I want a voice that is able to be recognized. Singing enables me to develop my creativity in musical compositions. Hence, I become a well-known individual that is familiar by everyone. I am finally a "somebody."

"Open your eyes, open your ears, open your voice, and listen to your heart. Believe in yourself first and others will believe in you."At first, no encouragement could inspire me to become a better singer. I love singing. Through my voice it is the best way for me to bring happiness to everyone. Even though I was discarded, my dreams of achievement have not changed. No matter what the circumstance is there will always be a time when I arrive at a point of rejection. At times I come to a point of giving up, but I think about how proud I will be once my hard work is complete. In order to reach for an ambitious goal, I will strive to learn from my college professors. That is my true dream.

EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Nov 20, 2009   #2
My advice would be to start your essay with the second paragraph. Then, go on to tell about how rejection will only make you stronger and work harder, maybe working in parts of your first paragraph.

But for three years, I sacrificed spending time with my family and friends in order to acquire the preparation.prepare for this audition.

Soon a clear, soothing voice came out ofmy mouth.

After several more singing auditions the judges shortly announced the results.

I said, "Yes," in a heart
beat.

No matter what the circumstance is there will always be a time when I arrive at a point of rejection.
twchan 3 / 16  
Nov 20, 2009   #3
No matter what the circumstance is, there will always be a time when I arrive at a point of rejection.

My friends say my voice is great; however listening to a great voice is not enough to overcome the best.
The subject after the semi-colon has to be the subject you start with.
For example: My friends say my voice is great;yet, they believe blah blah blah....

does that make sense???? idk if i explained well enough... but feel free to ask me :D

And i love how you have few short sentences in your essay, my ap teacher told me it is good to have a few short sentences in an essay!

Hope my suggestions help....

And please read my essays =)
thanks!
lowcal /  
Nov 21, 2009   #4
good syntax and description.

maybe on your audition part, be more description of how you felt and your surrounding. just try to show and not tell.
indroop 1 / 1  
Nov 22, 2009   #5
Hence, I become a well-known individual that is familiar by everyone. I am finally a "somebody."

I dont know but this line doesnt appeal to me as much as the rest of your essay does especially the first part of it

and I think it should be familiar to not by


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