please be as brutial as possible :) this is a rough copy, what more should i do?
Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.
There is a certain flair one feels, upon finding the perfect pair of boots. Sleek brown leather, ...midnight heel ... Lucid visions of suddenly being a prima fashionista spark in the mind, and all at once, this accessory becomes vital. The journey of achieving this crucial piece, created me.
I have always loved clothes. Watching movies as a child, the glamour of those movie starlets, shimmering against velvet skies, alight in their natural beauty, captivated me. I wanted to have the same kind of effortless grace, the kind that could only come from swirling fabrics and scintillating jewels. My cousin channelled these same qualities of beauty and poise, with careful polish and style that made her the inspiration she is to me today. Her and my mother's enlightening perseverance moulded a dream for me, inspiring me to reach for my ambitions, from the wildest fantasy - to the smallest accessory.
They were sitting there in all their glory - waiting for me. Catching my eye as I passed, they taunted, demanding I go in, try them on, take them home. Glowing with excitement as I imagined how many outfits these simple boots would complete, I entered the store. But I soon discovered the boots were only meant to tease, for my size was not among them. I had to wait for a new shipment - almost an eternity away.
Perhaps it would have made sense to forgo these shoes - to find another pair of a different form somewhere else. It was the simpler method, the easy fix to my dilemma.
Perhaps, yes - but I was set. These boots had made their case, and I was cursed. School suddenly slipped to the back of my mind, as my wayward shoes captivated and held hostage my brain.
Perseverance kept me on my path, compelling me to wait out my days and disappointments, as I tried and failed to find my perfect boots. At every desolate corner Fate turned its back, and left me with nothing but another dead end - until at last, the dawn came.
With barely an ounce of hope, and my circumstances bleak, I visited the store one last time. The boots once more stared me down from their hawk-like perch, daring me to be thwarted yet again. Sales-staff, recognizable by face, and only a few more visits away from being known by name, handed me a pair that I had tried on so long ago - only to be rejected.
My expectations were low - and for the first time, wrong. The shoes, once so tenacious, finally relented, and triumphant at last, I slipped them on.
My perseverance, despite its testing and prodding, remained to the last, and I now have my precious boots. To stand apart and say I fought and gained something so dear - no matter what that dear thing may be - illustrates my character, which will never bend, so long as there is something out there I want to accomplish - shoes or sundry.
The flair once talked so ardently of, is found.
...midnight heels
Sleek brown leather, midnightheel, Lucid visions of suddenly being a prima fashionista spark in the mind and all at once this accessory becomes vital.
The journey of achieving this crucial piece was what created me.
I have always loved clothes. CHANGE TO[/b]: Clothes have always been my obsession.
Watching movies as a child, the glamour of those movie starlets, shimmering against velvet skies, alight in their natural beauty, captivated me. CHANGE TO:[b]As a child I watched how elegantly each piece of clothing draped each and starlet in every films. \
I wanted to have the same kind of effortless grace, the kind that could only come from swirling fabrics and scintillating jewels. CHANG TO:Just like the starlets in the films I wanted to create such glamourous looks, the kind that could only come from swirling fabrics and scintillating jewels.
My cousin was able to channel these same qualities of beauty and poise, with careful polish and style that made her the inspiration she is to me today.
As for the rest of your essay all you need to do is take out commas. NOTE: If you question where or not a comma should be there...then it doesn't belong, and you should not place it there.
