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'Persian-American' + 'The sneaker game' - Tufts is my dream school


adamneedshelp 1 / 3  
Dec 11, 2011   #1
2. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood, or community--and how it influenced the person you are today. (200-250 words)

Word count: 243
Born into a Persian-American family, I was taught to be very conservative and humble about my well being. My parents never flaunted -- nor denied -- our wealth and we followed a very nonchalant lifestyle. It was not until the seventh grade when my parents made the crucial decision to move to New York City from our simple, quiet, upstate home, that I began to feel uncomfortable with my surroundings. The sudden change in lifestyle was too drastic, and I was experiencing nostalgia for the lifestyle I had left behind upstate.

The brutality of New York City slaps you in the face, waking you up with its inflexible attitude, demands and patterns. Self expression is lost and to some extent not appreciated amongst the crowded population one lives around. People become "disposable"; forming ephemeral bonds with one another only to never interact with one another again is an example of the very nature of the city. The mundaneness is reoccurring and everything seems gray. As a result, people lose their optimism and lean toward realism. I certainly have.

The Bob Dylan song "Queen Jane Approximately" conveys the mediocre and hackneyed attitude I have of this city, and offers a solution to my weary lifestyle. Visit the "Queen Jane," who is a manifested entity suggesting that one could and should make a change to his/her lifestyle; whether it be with or without help. Leaving this city is the solution to my problem.

3. For the second short response, we asked you to consider the world around you. Now, consider the world within. Taste in music, food, and clothing can make a statement while politics, sports, religion, and ethnicity are often defining attributes. Are you a vegetarian? A poet? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes, Mac or PC? Are you the drummer in an all-girl rock band? Do you tinker? Use the richness of your identity to frame your personal outlook. (200-250 words)

Word Count: 185
"The sneaker game": a time in my high school career when matching kicks to what I was wearing meant almost everything to me. Every day, I wore a pair of numbered Air Jordans or Nike SBs and would walk out my house, exerting caution wherever I stepped. Simultaneously, I made sure that I didn't step on anything dirty or crease my "kicks". During this time period, aesthetics became my sole concern, and as a result, I lost touch with myself. My sneakers became the driver, and I rode shotgun.

I thought that sneakers made me cooler than everyone else. I made friends at a quick rate, but these "friends" simply liked me because of how I looked, and not my persona. As soon as I realized this, I went to war with my sneakers and I fought hard for the deciding factor of who would represent me.

Ever since my enlightenment brought on by Hindu and Buddhist principles I began to devalue aesthetics, which one can see by my marred jeans, dirty sneakers, and untamed bush-like afro and instead, focused more on my personality.
twilista 3 / 13  
Dec 11, 2011   #2
I think that the first one is very good and you should definitely submit it! The second, however, needs a lot of work. I feel as though you're wasting a lot of the space with the first paragraph and you only really answer the prompt with your last sentence. You don't exactly tell the reader how your personality changed/evolved nor do you tell the reader how devaluing aesthetics changes your personal outlook. Yes, you may not care about your "kicks" anymore, but did your Buddhist principles change the way you view the world? Did it make you realize that the world was too wrapped up in aesthetics and should therefore live a life that's based solely on the journey itself? Should all materials be done away with so that you can experience the true meaning of why we're here? Ask yourself questions like these, and you'll be able to write a great essay.
OP adamneedshelp 1 / 3  
Dec 11, 2011   #3
Thanks so much, Twilista!
Any other comments or criticisms would be greatly appreciated.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 15, 2011   #4
The brutality of New York City slaps you in the face, waking you up with its inflexible attitude , demands and patterns.---This is some great writing!

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My sneakers became the driver, and I rode shotgun.---Again, this is such great writing.

I thought the sneakers made me cooler than everyone else.

I made friends at a quick ratequickly , but these "friends" simply liked me because of how I looked, and not my persona.

Ever since my enlightenment, brought on by Hindu and Buddhist principles, I began to devalue aesthetics, which one can see by my marred jeans, dirty sneakers, and untamed bush-like afro and instead, focused more on my personality.

This seems to need one last sentence to round it out. I really like the way you write though, and hope you have fun in school. Good luck!

:)


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