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"I can be the person I dream of" - Common App. Macalester Supplement.


Randyhl 8 / 33  
Feb 15, 2010   #1
What factors have led you to consider Macalester College? Why do you believe it may be a good match, and what do you believe you can add to the Mac community, academically and personally?

Feel free to draw on past experiences, and use concrete examples to support your perspective.


"You are such a fag! You are so gay!" are words echoing as I enter the dorms at Cal Poly. Whether they are directed at me or not, that ignorance and lack of respect injures my mind. Those words originated by hatred. I was struck by how relaxed and effortless it is for these kids to say such offensive words.

Everyday, I enter my dorm confused and upset, put down my backpack, then lock the door. My thirst for knowledge is the all that keeps me encouraged and enthusiastic to learn. Early on college life became looking forward to nothing but calculus, physics, and chemistry. Even though my professors at Cal Poly are riveting and exciting, the disorienting 150-person lecture halls and competition for their attention in office hours made even learning a struggle.

My social and academic environment at Cal Poly became uninspiring and intolerant and I challenge the idea that living in the cluttered, and intolerant real world is at all beneficial to me. At Macalester, I will have the opportunity to join those fighting for acceptance and change while simultaneously engaged by small and interactive classes. My motivation and potential as a student and political activist will exponentially increase.

As the main common application explains, I will never accept limits to my potential. I will always pursue paths in life that will feed me more power to positively change the world. As "You fag!" diffuses in my mind, I now refuse to lock my self in my room feeling disgusted. Rather, I will unite with the 1800 Macalesteronians and battle bigotry. Given Macalester's political and academic environment, I can expect a new life of social equality, happiness, and success.
alyssadlee 4 / 9  
Feb 15, 2010   #2
I can tell that you drew from that last line of instruction about drawing on past experiences but your first paragraph is so jarring and has relatively little to do with the rest. The connection between that line about the clash of intolerance and then at the end about the small classes creating a "tolerant and inspiring atmosphere" is there but it feels forced. I wouldn't mind so much except that first line is just so jarring and hits you in the face too much to not be commented on more. I would say to get rid of it if you want to keep the rest of it, which I think you do because that's what you chose to focus on. :) The rest isn't bad but it should all be related together.

Now I'm going to make a few changes. :)

The immense culture clash of intolerance crippled my excitement to meet new people and tomake my college a comfortable place to be .

Maybe say "and to feel comfortable in my college environment" or something.

My thirst for knowledge kept me encouraged and enthusiastic to learn calculus, physics, and chemistry and to get closer to uncovering science's enticing mystery. After experiencing the disorienting 150-person lecture halls and competitive office hours, I realized even the academic environment Cal Poly offered was not conducive for me to learn.

If you can afford it, I think you should say why it was disorienting. I know it's because of the size but the size is something that some people might like so it could help to explain why it didn't work for you.

Err, never mind. You already did that in the next paragraph. ^_^

Macalester's offers small class sizes I will be comfortable asking questions, and its reputation of being progressive and accepting everyone creates the tolerant and inspiring atmosphere I will feel comfortable in .

I think you have to say "Macalester's small class sizes will allow me to be comfortable..." OR "Macalester offers small class sizes in which I can be comfortable..."

There is definitely an overuse of "comfortable." Find ways of showing that you'll be comfortable, not just saying it. :)

At Macalester, I have more opportunity ies to join those fighting for tolerance and change while simultaneously receiving a well-rounded education. At Macalester I can be the person I dream of.

The last sentence is nice but it's kind of out of place. I think unless you referred to earlier about looking up to certain people or wanting to be a certain type of person, you shouldn't include it. It's not substantial enough by itself to offer anything more to your supplement.

Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 16, 2010   #3
It's the "person I dream of being." The "person I dream of" sounds like you are talking about a soul mate or something.

Let's do this whole part in the present tense:
"You are such a fag! You are so gay!" these are the first quotes I hear walking through the dorms at Cal Poly. Whether they are directed at me or not, that ignorance and lack of respect offends me. The immense culture clash of intolerance cripples my excitement to meet new people and make my college a comfortable place to be.

The present tense is powerful...

But this notion is underdeveloped. I think you should elongate the paragraph by adding a sentence that clearly says what you mean: I want to choose Macalester because the school "culture and climate" are important to me.

:-)
alicose1010 1 / 4  
Feb 17, 2010   #4
my english is not so well, so i may give you some suggestions on other facets. This is a good essay, however, you should write less about your current school, and write more about Macalester. I suggest you not write so much downside of your current school, but to write more specific on which program or facility you are interested in.
fierna_hartnett 2 / 4  
Feb 17, 2010   #5
this is such a good essay about ur life. but, was it really ur way of life??
never mind..for my self I can't write a good essay like this, really organized (i think).
ya, even though I still found some missed words or sentences, but still good.

just like what the moderator said "the person I dreamt of" is usually directed to someone u r dreaming of. so that's not about u who wanna be.

maybe sometimes we write something doesn't see any grammar or structural, we just see if it is suitable or not to be heard.


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