"The person, my grandpa" - UC prompt #2

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

A personal quality that is important to me is my perseverance. I did not realize I had the ability to be set on my goals and push for them as I do now until a couple of months ago. I do not like to give up; I find it a weakness and I look down on people who choose not follow through. My parents have always made me stick to my commitments in order to teach me the value of keeping my promises. My parents pushed me in the right direction and told me which way was best. But it was my grandfather who demonstrated to me why being determined is such a powerful quality to have.

In September of 2007, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't believe it. He was the most health conscience person you could meet. At 80 years old, he hardly strayed from a balanced diet and hiked 40-70 miles a week. My grandpa never put himself before others. He was always trying to make everyone else happy. He was really good at putting up a front. At all times was hiding his true pain and seeming so strong and independent. My grandpa never showed weakness or fear and would not accept any sympathy. He knew he lived his life as great as he could and he wanted the sympathy to go towards the young people fighting cancer. Unfortunately, this past January he passed away. His death was really hard for me to deal with because I had grown so close to him and he had taught me so much.

My grandpa always had a genuine smile on his face and never considered anything without hope and optimism. So I learned from him that giving up is not an option. That I always should try my best and if I fail to pick my head up and try again. Each day I aspire to be more like him and I hope I make him proud. I am lucky to have this quality and to be able to be driven in everything I do. I am proud I learned to persevere from my grandpa because I have realized how much I can exceed my own expectations. Though I still grieve over his death, I am proud to have been his granddaughter and to have spent 16 wonderful years with him.

The person my grandpa was helped shape me into who I am today. With everything I do I try my best. I know that success does not come wishing but instead from doing. Therefore, I do all in my power to reach my goals. When something does not turn out as planned, I complete all I can to make it right. For example, my grades have taken a lot of time and work but I do not always succeed with every assignment. Consequently, I end up seeing how I can improve for the next time so I get better at one of my weaker areas. My grandpa has influenced me and shown me what it means to persevere. I have realized I can do anything I put my mind to and try my best at. I am proud to have this determination with me; it makes me a stronger person.

Good evening :)

Since you didn't explain what type of assistance you were seeking, I have made some general comments in regards to your piece.

In the first paragraph, avoid using conjunctive/transitory words such as "but", "so," or "and" at the beginning of your sentences. Watch for this in your subsequent paragraphs.

In the second paragraph, avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. "Couldn't" should be "could not."

In regards to content, I think this is a fine response to the prompt. You have explained the event/individual that impacted you, and illustrated how your growth during this time has made you proud. In your conclusion paragraph you describe how this entire experience relates to who you are today, and tie it up with a strong concluding sentence. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
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