A person of impact - My conductor

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Walking to school, I bob my head to the upbeat rhythm of pop rock, feeling motivated to start my day. In band, no longer the casual listener from this morning, I push my embouchure to the limit as we reach the climax of a majestic Sousa march. Throughout the day, I listen to various genre of music while doing chores and homework. At night, smooth jazz entices me into slumber. Music has become such a big part in my life, the source of my individual expressions and motivations. However, during my childhood and teenage years, I have always hated music. Whether it was the piano or the flute, I never truly enjoy playing. Aside from short-lived inspirations, I was in band for the wrong reason: to prove that I was no quitter.

"Once your instrument leaves its ready position and hit your laps, your brain shut off. Keep them up, people!" Mr. JKL bellow. With the simple advice, the band regains focus and begins to harmonize. The above advice is only one among Mr. JKL's gamut of tenets. Our director firmly believes that music, like math and science, requires active critical thinking. Every day, he reminds us that a good musician follows the score but we can be better musicians by following the conductor and anticipating the music. He also teaches us to put a thought behind every breath we take and every sound we make. "Internalize the beat and the pitch, people! Be thinking of the sound you want to create; otherwise, it'll never become music, just noise."

Most musicians are inspired by famous musicians such as Louis Armstrong or Jimi Hendrix; I am inspired by my conductor. Under Mr. JKL's direction, I have become a better musician in technical skills; however, the true reason he is an inspiration to me is that he had taught me to not conform to mediocrity. "Music," he said, "is not a place to be average." Through his undeterred beliefs, I realized that Mr. JKL approaches music with seriousness and passion; at the same time, I felt ashamed of my capricious approach. Once I changed my attitude, I started to notice the trumpets' majestic fanfares and the French horns' mellow timbre; I marveled at the intricate weavings of melodies and harmonies, beginning to gain an appreciation for the works of composers and conductors. For the first time, I truly love playing music. That summer, I took the initiative to learn the saxophone and enrolled in jazz band in addition to playing the flute in concert band. Because of work, my family had to move. Although I am no longer in Mr. JKL's "Spartan" class, I carried his tenets within as I try to adapt to a new band, committed to play with the same dedication and passion he had taught me. (468 words)

I feel a little iffy about the conclusion; it just seem to be a little too awkwardly phrase. Any suggestions?

I'm primarily looking for help regarding content and overall structures, but any comments are welcome and appreciated. Thanks :)

First off, I think this is a charming essay. I think the structure is fine and the conclusion is great until you get here:


The transition between the stuff about band and the moving bit feels awkward. Maybe you take the whole bit about picking up the new instrument and moving and just go from "truly love playing the instrument" to "although I am no longer."

Great job and good luck!

hroughout the day, I listen to various genres of music while doing chores

Whether it was the piano or the flute, I never truly enjoyed playing.

I think the conclusion should be its own paragraph. The conclusion is not bad. Just reword the first half of the last sentence.

A really great essay I feel.
ltpvan
How about try changing "However, during my childhood and teenage years, I have always hated music" to I always hated music. Maybe? Other than than I think it is a great essay especially the intro its great!

PS. Can you help me with my GA Tech essay?

however, the true reason he is an inspiration to me is that he had taught me to not not to conform to mediocrity.

Great essay, really. I think the structure is fine, but as you mentioned, conclusion should be somehow changed, it feels awkward. I think the reader will understand what you are trying to say, but it'll be better is you change it.

Sorry I'm running out of time so I couldn't really help, I need to finish my essay, because university admission deadlines are approaching, however I'll think about essay.

Good luck.

Hello,

You tried to help me on my Cornell essay and I'm just doing the favor back. I have taken numerous writing intensive courses and got A's in all of them. Writing is not my cup of tea though (I prefer to stick with the sciences).

Okay, so here are a few suggestions:

Throughout the day, I listen to various genre of music while doing chores and homework. At night, smooth jazz entices me into slumber.

-Just change genre to genres because you are listening to several genres of music.

"Once your instrument leaves its ready position and hit your laps, your brain shut off. Keep them up, people!" Mr. JKL bellow .

-Bellow should turn into bellowed.

For the first time, I truly love playing music.

Your last paragraph uses different tenses. You should turn this into loved because the rest of your paragraph is in past tense.

Because of work, my family had to move.

- Never start a sentence with because. Perhaps, you can find another word that will substitute this.

Although I am no longer in Mr. JKL's "Spartan" class, I carried his tenets within as I try to adapt to a new band, committed to play with the same dedication and passion he had taught me. (468 words)

-If you are using past tense try should be tried.

I did not find too many errors; I fixed the one's that I've found. I hope I helped. Content wise I think the idea is good. I critiqued the Cornell essay by the way and posted the new version on my thread. If you want to look at it, go ahead. Good luck with your essay!

"However, during my childhood and teenage years, I have always hated music. Whether it was the piano or the flute, I never truly enjoy playing."

because you said "during my childhood and teenage years" i feel like you should make it "i had always" and "enjoyed". it flows better that way.

"With the simple advice, the band regains focus and begins to harmonize."
The could be changed to "his" or "this".

Only turn "bellow" into "bellowed" if you are going to the make the rest of the paragraph past tense.

i think changing the first two paragraphs to past tense will make it flow better. it shows it as a part of your past that you've learned something from. because it happened, you are a different musician.

thanks for your comments on my crafts essay! i'll be posting a dream essay tonight (hopefully). i'd love to hear your thoughts on that one!

Hey Van, great intro. It is full of excellent imagery and flows very well into the next paragraph.


Change have to had, the tense doesn't match the beginning of the sentence. Maybe try removing "have always" and keep it simple.



Your tense doesn't match up again. I also tried to tighten it up a bit. They are great sentences but felt a bit awkward.


Consider breaking this sentence up.



You have some work to do with your tenses, but otherwise I think this a great essay. By the way the abbreviation of your conductors name, Mr. JKL, makes me think of Dr. Jekyll. I couldn't help but snicker every time.

Good luck.