Hi. This is my first post on here. I will admit that I am a horrible writer and english was never my subject. Everything from my grammar, vocabulary, and even down to my sentence structure is terrible. I would really appreciate any and all the help and suggestions i could get.
The prompt is 'tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.'
The one person who can change your view and attitude towards life influences what you do in the future and what you make of it. That one person for me is my sister. She has taught me not only to love life itself, but to love, thank and cherish those who gave me life and an opportunity on this Earth. We share half of the same blood, have never lived under the same roof, and are fourteen years apart. However, she inspires me in every possible way -- whether it is believing that I can get into college and become successful to fulfilling simple everyday responsibilities such as taking care of myself and those who I care about the most.
Both my sister and I are first generation American citizens. I was conceived when she was only fourteen years of age back in 1992, but at that time she was living with her mother, who is of Mexican heritage, and I was living with our Korean father and my Korean mother, who are married. English was not our first language. In fact, my first language was Korean and hers was Spanish. I grew up with many hardships being a minority as did she. As a young child I could never comprehend anything more than eating, breathing, sleeping and going to school. The only understanding I could process were life's necessities and the difficulties that was brought alongside it. However, under certain circumstances, I envisioned the true meaning of life with the help of my sister.
Before I started Pre-K at the age of four, I had been exposed to little of what was American culture. I was almost completely isolated to the Korean lifestyle that was conscious within the house I lived in. By the time I entered the dark unknowns of elementary school I was confused and unaware of what my surroundings were. I can remember asking myself at one point in time, "How did I end up in this alien world?" I was different than everyone else. I was always picked on. I was hated. It was almost impossible for me to fit in with children at school, and this in turn made me question my parents as to why I had to be different. I blamed my parents for the longest time and held the deepest grudge on them. At times I asked my parents why couldn't they have just stayed in their home town and give birth to me there, where I belong? What broke this foolishness to hold a grudge on the people who gave me life was a loss of life itself.
It was the first funeral I had ever been to, and it was my sister's mother who had passed away. I will admit that I was a bit afraid, and I remember it as if it were yesterday. All week long, from the viewing to the mourning and burial, her mother's death had taken a toll on her. She loved her mother more than anything, and she had lost her. Some time after the funeral, I had talked to my sister over the phone and our father was brought up into the conversation. I remember her saying, "You and Dad are the only one's I have left." This made me think to myself, "What if I lose all those who I could have, would have, or should have shown my love to?" As I thought of these feelings it was almost as if my eyes were open for the first time.
I realized that my parents were not the one's to blame but rather the one's to thank and cherish. With the help of my sister I could finally think deeper and understand why my parents brought me to this alien land that was so unfamiliar. They wanted a better life for me and I couldn't hold a grudge against them for that. That one single event dealing with my sister had impacted my life greatly. I envision receiving a great education, something that would have been impossible to receive back in Korea, and making my parents proud of me. I had gained the meaning to life, the meaning of death, and the meaning of love. My sister is the one who will always keep a life changing impact on heart.
This is all I have wrote so far. Is it okay so far or should i change it? Please any help would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Jae
We share half of the same blood, have never lived under the same roof,where does she live?
and are fourteen years apart.????
She is the only person that is...
or just whenever I need her
She makes me feel better when I am depressed or feeling bad ..
The one person who has impacted my life to make me believe that anything is possible is my sister.
my sister is the only person who has effected my life and convince me that is everything is possible...
my sister and I. ..
We have the same Korean father...
I think you should explain a little bit about your sister.
how old is she?
how did your father marry her mother?
where did you meet her for first time?
grammar, vocabulary, and even down to my sentence structure is terrible.
That is a way of saying you do not understand the rules... but we can fix that! I hope you'll spend some time with a little tiny book called the elements of style by strunk and white. It is a very small book that can make you become the best writer you know!
We share half of the same blood, have never lived under the same roof, and are fourteen years apart.
This first sentence is complex, and you did it correctly. So... you must be better than you thought!!
Use a dash:
She inspires me in every possible way -- whether it is believing that i can get into college and be successful (n
o comma here ) or just everyday responsibilities such as cleaning the house, washing the dishes, or taking care of my hygiene.
Both my sister and I are first...generation American citizens. English was not our first language. In fact, my first language was Korean and hers was Spanish. We share the same Korean father, but I have a Korean mother and she has a Mexican mother. ----->
How fascinating!!! That is a beautiful mixture. I am so impressed with your writing...please find strunk and white!!This is all I have
written so far. Is it okay so fa
r, or should i change it?
Hey, look at that first sentence again, it is weirdly incorrect. I see that you write well, though, so you can fix it!
...had been exposed to very little of what was American culture.
I will admit that I was a bit afraid. and I remember it as if it were yesterda y. ---no cliches!!
All week long, from the viewing to the mourning and burial, her mother's death had taken a toll on her. -----> great sentence!!!
comma:
I realized that my parents were not the one's to blame, but rather the one's to thank and cherish.
Oh, this is sad but very, very emotive and meaningful!
Do you think it is a competitive essay? One that could increase my chances of acceptance?
great story
Oh... I see at the start, it is a little confusing:
Everyone has experienced a time when one person changed their view and attitude towards life, influencing what they do in the future and what they make of it.
That might be better.
Well, for it to be competitive, it has to make the reader feel like it really is important to admit you. For that reason, you might want to change the topic sentences (first sentence of every para) so that they somehow refer to the importance of you attending T, with its specific resources and faculty, etc. WHILE you answer the prompt, you can plant suggestions about how crucial it is for you to be able to attend this school, your first choice.
Could you give me an example relating to my essay please?
Well, what I mean is that it will be useful if the influence this person had on you strengthened your resolve to make your decision to attend this school. You have to be creative to connect it with the need to go to this school. I don't have the necessary info to give an example. Also, my suggestion is not even about something you necessarily have to do; it was just an idea for making it more competitive.
