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A person want to meet - my grandfather. Personal Statement.


poloniumx 1 / -  
Oct 22, 2015   #1
Prompt: If you could spend one day with any person (living or deceased) who would it be and why? What would you want them to know about you?

word limit:250

I do not know how to end with my personal statement. With that, check my grammar also. Really appreciate your help.

If I can spend one day with anyone, then I want to meet my grandfather. When I was 9years old, I met my grandfather for very first time. My mother suddenly brought me to the restaurant and while going there, she talked about her father. Before that, I did not even know that my mother's parents were divorced. At the restaurant, my mother and grandfather were mostly talking about something that I did not get, but I still felt mildness from him. After their talking was over, I talked about my school and friends. My grandfather was just sitting with smile on his face. After that, I could not see him again. It is, most likely, because of our family circumstance. However, if someone asks me who I want to spend a day, then my answer would be my grandfather. I When I meet him, I want to talk about my school life and my experience in US, Canada, and Japan. It has been 9years since first time of seeing grandfather. In that time frame, many things happened in my life and I want him to know more about me. I will share what I have done in school, both success and failure, and I also want to get some advice for my concerns as approaching to the adulthood (219)

Hargun003 4 / 26 6  
Oct 22, 2015   #2
When I was 9years old, I met my grandfather for the very first time.

At the restaurant, my mother and grandfather were mostly talking about something that I did not get, but I felt was comfortable. After their talking conversation was got over, I talked about my school and friends.

I usually get advice from my parents, but grandfather's opinion can be different. He does not know me well therefore he is unbiased which can lead to better advice.

You can end up by saying, " There are moments in life when you wish you could bring someone back and hug them. To spend the day with them jst one more time, give them one more hug, kiss them and hear their voice again. One more chance to say I love you...I want my grandfather to meet me"...
vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
Oct 22, 2015   #3
Hi David. Let me show you a sample of how you can better approach this essay. My version, complete with a conclusion comes in with 236 words.

If I could spent one day with anyone from the past, I would have to pick my grandfather. While I did not know that he existed for the first 9 years of my life, I felt that I made a connection with him the day my mother introduced him to me for the first time at a restaurant. He came across to me as a kind and gentle man who was happy to spend time with my mother and I. He seemed really interested to get to know me as his grandson at the time and he smiled all the time we were bonding over my stories as a family. I never saw him again after that. Yet the impression he left on me was memorable. I wish I could have the chance to get to know him again and bond over where we are in our lives now. Years after that first meeting, I have changed as a person just as I am sure he has changed also. I'd like to get to know my grandfather as he is now. I wonder, will he still be interested to get to know the person I have become? I am a far cry from the little boy that he met before and I want to allow him the chance to get to know me all over again, this time as the young man that I have become.

I would be honored if you used this version for your statement response. Otherwise, use it as the example by which you can revise your currently existing response.
vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
Oct 23, 2015   #4
George, in your statement, you say that you have not met your grandfather before. Can you explain why? It would help the reviewer get a background on why you would want to spend one day with him. It will explain a lot about your interest in meeting him even after all the stories that your grandmother told you about him. Also, is your grandmother still living? I am not sure if I should make that particular part of your essay, the one that goes "I constant heard about him...' if your grandmother still continues to tell you stories about him then it is alright. But if she is already dead, you should say "I constantly hear about him from..."

Anyway, here are my corrections to your statement :-)

If I can spend one day with anyone, I would pick my great grandfather. I have not met him before, but I constantly heard about him from my grandmother. He was fighting FOUGHT for the independence when Japan annexed Korea. He is also on the book IN THE BOOK (GIVE THE TITLE OF THE BOOK) as a great historical man. He is not as famous as other people who fought for independence, but my mother-side MATERNAL family is really proud of it HIM.

When I heard ABOUT this from my mother, I felt glad that I am in PART OF such A great family. One thing that made me sad SADDENED ME is that even though my great grandfather tried his best for the independency FOUGHT HIS BEST FOR THE INDEPENDENCE OF KOREA, he could not see the light shimmering on Korea. He died due to the disease from Japanese torture. If I get the opportunity to spend a day with him, I want to guide him through Seoul.

Over 100 years, uncountable things have developed rapidly e specially in Seoul. I want him to know what Korea has earned from the sacrifice of people who fought for the ITS independence. After that, I want to tell him about myself, and family. I am sure that he would be curious about how his granddaughter and great grandson are doing in this modern world.

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Note that I divided your response into 3 paragraphs so that it has an introduction, body, and conclusion. All the parts of an essay already existed in your work. You just needed to format it in the proper manner in order to make the parts more evident to the reviewer. You are well within the word count at this point and the form of the essay has become stronger as well :-) Don't hesitate to let me know if I can assist you with anything else related to this essay. I'll be happy to help.
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Oct 26, 2015   #5
Your essay is very touching, but needs some work!

with a smile on his face...

I think you should describe what he was wearing, and his posture, for example,because this was a first impression.

felt mildness from him...

You could elaborate this. Was he a peaceful, or mild-mannered man?

You tell an interesting story, and the flow is logical. I think you should pay attention to word choice and spelling.

All together a good start! You just need elaboration on the details of your grandfather, and that first meeting! Watch out for extraneous words. I actually think your grammar is pretty good. It does not stand out as a problem

ef _carol


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