Topic:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Ok so this is my personal statement so far and I just threw everything I felt into it so I'm not sure if it's even any good. Sorry this seems like an insignificant thing to talk about but please bare with me. FEEDBACK WOULDBE GREAT because I feel like my thoughts got a little jumbled here.
Lying awake in bed, my feet kicked from under the covers, and my body curled up onto one side of the mattress I seem to feel most at peace. When nothing but silence and the light movement of cat paws greet my ears I tend to grab on tight to my teddy bear. I know by now it seems silly, being almost seventeen and still going to bed with stuffed animals, but it's actually quite the opposite. My teddy bear makes me feel safe and reminds me of someone I deeply care for; I've had that old thing for so many years now, it's become my most prized possession. My mother bought it for me when I was five years old. I'd first seen it in a thrift store on sale for three dollars and was immediately attached. It had clean white fur, and big brown eyes that showed me my reflection, I just knew I had to have it. So can you imagine how disappointed I was to walk out of the store empty handed? My mother told me that we couldn't afford it and that she hated to see me sad but there was nothing that could be done.
I cried all the way home in the backseat of my mom's beat up Cadillac but there was no way she was turning around. Looking back on it now I realize how much of a struggle it must have been her to do that. How do you explain bills and money to a child? How do you explain the prospect of unemployment when all they see are the things they want? But she was being strong for the both of us. Back then we grew up on very little money, in a house where it was sometimes hard making ends meet, but it never seemed like a hardship to me. My mother always made sure there was food on the table. Made sure she kissed each of my cheeks when I snuggled up for bed, and when she was leaving for work. She made sure I was wrapped up in the winter when I would catch a cold, and never failed to make my favorite chicken noodle soup. She did her best to shield me from the negativity of life, putting her own aspirations on the backburner so that I could continue down my path of success unscathed. Her love is what inspired me to become the kind and compassionate person I saw in her and her positivity and strength has become my lighthouse in hard times.
I remember a couple of weeks after that incident in the store coming home from school, trying to figure out some simple addition when my mom rushed through my bedroom doorway. She told me she had a surprise for me, and as expected from any child my age I jumped up and down squealing with delight. What had I done to deserve something? I quickly followed her down the hall into her bedroom and there, perched on her pillows looking so brand new was that white teddy bear from the store. The fur was just as clean as I remembered it and in its eyes I saw the reflection of my smile. It was so wide my cheeks began to ache. I quickly snatched up the bear not worrying over the why's and the how's, only knowing that mom had done it again. She'd somehow made magic happen and now at the age of seventeen it seems like she's been doing that my whole life.
Growing up my mother was always the foundation I had to stand upon and on that foundation I have made my way. For every time I have told myself "I couldn't" she was right there to tell me "I can". She has strengthened me, encouraged me, inspired me, and taught me how to be a better person and how to live my life full of happiness. As a child I was always the one, too afraid to raise my voice because I was terrified of what others would think of me. But as I got older she helped peel away the layers of my shell until I was all that was left. I've finally told myself that I'm not going to let my ideas and all this creativity I possess go to waste. I'm going to venture into this new life of college ready to embrace the world as much as I possibly can. But I won't forget the life I'll be leaving behind. Especially when I lie awake in my college dorm room with the same white teddy bear tucked between me and my pillow.
My mother has touched my heart in a way no one else in this world has ever been able to, and she's left her fingerprint on my life. Growing up she showed me a world full of possibilities and raised me in a household full of love. That was the one thing we always had plenty of.
Here's a rewritten version of my earlier post but now I need feedback and corrections for this. All help would be greatly appreciated! You can be harsh, I need all the criticism I can get.
mattress(PERIOD) I seem to feel most aT
someone else I care for so much.how about: someone I deeply care for
Back then we grew up on very little money, in a house where it was sometimes hard making ends meet. Not sure if this is a sentence, consider rewording
I'd say it's good, but am left wanting to know more about you. How else did your mother teach you about the world? and how has it helped you today?
You an eliminate some of the times you wrote the words "Growing up."
I think you should eliminate the first few lines and start with this:
I still have a teddy bear from my childhood, and it still makes me feel safe; it also reminds me of someone for whom I deeply care. I' ve had that old thing for so many years now that it has become my most prized possession. My mother bought it for me when I was five years old.
What do you think of that? I like the rest of it a lot, and I enjoyed reading it.
