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"A person of two worlds" - Common app Transfer Essay


pjamaparty 1 / 2  
Feb 13, 2011   #1
Okay, I feel like my introduction still needs a lot of work-but the main points mainly are about how I love music and mathematics. Music is more like a hobby(songwriting) and though very different from Actuarial Science(my intended major), both excite me, but my dream is to be an actuary- I want to bust stereotypes that comes with the profession-someone boring-want to minor music- roughly that's kinda how it is.

I am a terrible writer, I'll admit. I hope someone can help me out because the last 3 days I spent on the essay feels a bit fruitless-my writing style's a bit mechanical and I tend to ramble. So, PLEASE!!? someone help me with my grammar and flow of the content and suggest a way to cut down the amount of words.

Thank you so much in advance!

The question:

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

The soft chanting of 'Sa re ga ma pa dha ni sa' could be heard in the background. I paid no heed to it. I was far more interested in chasing after the boys in my classroom than sitting down crossed legged repeating the 'sargam', (a form of solfčge) for another hour.

Even though I was just three then, my mother decided she wouldn't send me those classes again as she believed I didn't have the passion for it, regardless of how many times I pleaded with her later on. While I regret missing out on learning the beautiful art of Carnatic Music, looking back, it was a good learning experience. I learnt that I had to make the most out of any opportunity I received, and really give it my all. This lesson would come in handy when I realize that I would have to venture out of my comfort zone to fulfill my dream of being an actuary.

I decided then that while I wanted to explore my other interests- songwriting and public speaking, I also needed to give my academia more focus. In doing so, I discovered that I actually like expanding my knowledge, especially in Mathematics. I began to understand the importance of those complex formulas in making life simpler. I had nothing but admiration for mathematicians, and wanted to emulate their dedication towards the field.

Time came for me to head to college, and Taylor's, with its prestigious reputation, felt like a great place to begin. And it was. The lecturers here provided fun, yet challenging courses. They helped us just enough without spoon feeding us the facts. One lecturer in particular, Mr. KC, encouraged me to keep my options open when I was teetering between pursuing mathematics or an actuarial science degree. He showed me that business is extremely fascinating, especially because it can be approached from various angles; the social, economic and even the arts perspective.

It became clear to me that Actuarial Science was a better choice because it is a multifaceted career .The roles of both mathematician and businessman occur interchangeably, which I find very fascinating. However, I also saw that while Taylor's provided me with a great foundation, they couldn't take me to the next level in the profession. Their courses are very limited and opportunity for a hands-on experience are few and far in between. Internships are rarely available because Actuarial Science is only now getting noticed within the finance and insurance industry in Malaysia. I yearn for a chance to experience and observe what goes on in the daily life of an actuary.

For these are the reasons I feel that my ambitions do not fit in with Taylor's vision.

NYU, on the other hand, has a solid program in Actuarial Science. I like that Stern, unlike many universities, choose to focus on the financial aspect of Actuarial Science, rather than the calculations alone, because the application of those theories in the real world would be clearer. I want to inject the knowledge that I would gain from my course into the business sector in Malaysia, to raise awareness on the benefits on hiring actuaries to reduce financial risks. It is also great to know that the Actuarial Society in NYU shares my vision of getting more people to explore this field.

NYU has a vast variety of programs and activities, but I would like to take full advantage of the music program available for non-music majors. With NYU's colorful mix of international and locals within the student body, it would be interesting to see what their influences are in music. I think music is a great medium to get to know another person's culture and even discover one's own. A community choir in Manhattan offers lessons in Carnatic music, which would be a great way for me to get in touch with my roots, to get back the opportunity to learn the classical Indian music once again and share that with community at NYU.

The location that encompasses NYU is a plus factor, because it is home to many insurance companies. The abundant summer internships available are a chance for me to gain insight into the inner workings of the competitive industry.

NYU, I believe is the perfect fit for my ideals and goals, but I think that I have qualities that benefit the university in return. I bring enthusiasm into everything that I do, whether it is tackling a mathematical equation or learning a new instrument, and try to be the best at it. I think having very different interests has given me the perspective to approach the actuarial profession from various angles - an asset I hope to bring to the classroom.

What's best about NYU is that I feel that I can grow as a person, to explore my interests in music, discover new pursuits and yet be on track to achieve my goal of being an Actuary. To be a part of the diverse NYU community, and share their vision is an opportunity I will not take for granted.

Done new one, tell me what you think? I hope EF Kevin can help out too..
surfsamurai 1 / 5  
Feb 13, 2011   #2
You've made your points, but my suggestion:

Your conclusion and intro are weak; TIE THEM TOGETHER. Make your essay come to a full circle.
OP pjamaparty 1 / 2  
Feb 14, 2011   #3
okay, thanks. i think i better re-do the whole essay.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 19, 2011   #4
Even though I was just three then, my mother decided she wouldn't send me to those classes again, as she believed I didn't have the passion for it, regardless of how many times I pleaded with her later on.

Hey, this looks very strong. I especially like this part:
I like that Stern, unlike many universities, choose to focus on the financial aspect of Actuarial Science, rather than the calculations alone, because the application of those theories in the real world would be clearer. ---I am not knowledgeable enough about the school or this subject to assess the truth of your observation here, but if it is true it really shows that you have given this deep consideration.

I do not like the first sentence of the second paragraph. You had just said something about being an actuary, but then the first sentence of the second paragraph does an abrupt subject change. You can ADD a sentence to the beginning of that paragraph, and let it include the word actuary. That'l make a nice transition.

The location that encompasses NYU is a plus factor, because it is home to many insurance companies. The abundant summer internships available are a chance for me to gain insight into the inner workings of the competitive industry.---This is not useful unless you show that you already have some places in mind. Then it becomes very impressive! Show that you are already making plans.

:-)
OP pjamaparty 1 / 2  
Feb 19, 2011   #5
Just one more thing, do you think its a little too much, with the music and all?
oh and thank you so much. I see what you mean about the paragraphs not flowing properly. I'l work on it.
Sincerely,
'A really grateful soul'
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 21, 2011   #6
This lesson would come in handy when I realize realized that I would have to venture out of my comfort zone to fulfill my dream of being an actuary. ----- I did not notice this error the first time! :-)

No, I do not think it is too much. But always remember that when you give information, you make the reader work; when you give action verbs and imagery words, you make an experience for the reader to enjoy. So limit the info and maximize the experience.

:-)


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